Where do I go from here? (A quick update from my life.)

My life is finally moving forward in some ways. My trainee program at a publishing house of one and a half years is officially over and I have taken up my graduate studies again. Which is extremely weird. I feel so many things at once, that in the end I seriously have no clue what I am feeling, except an overwhelming feeling of confusion. Well this is life, right?

On one hand I am delighted that I don't have to work any more because at many times my job really made me go crazy. There were extremely stressful times, to the point where I got physically sick from it, and I especially disliked working with unreliable and chaotic people. It's just a great relief that I don't have to worry about this anymore.

But on the other hand, my job was a really important step within my developement and I am so glad that I decided to give it a chance again and again. Besides all the skills and knowledge I gained in this job, the most incredible thing which happened because of it, is that I developped a sense of who I am or at leat of the person I could be. When I was younger I was often very insecure, but my experiences in the last two years proved quite the opposite. I was social and outgoing, I got along great with people, and I even enjoyed being amongst people. I learned that I am (at least partly) a person who is liked by others and this truly opens up so many doors for me. Above else, it gives me a sense of security and confidence, because I learned to belief that whatever social situations I will get thrown into, I will do alright. I can handle this. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. And this is amazing.

But still: My excursion into working life didn't give me a sense of direction at all. In contrary, I know even less now what I want to do with my life. In fact, the whole concept of being an employee who has to show up every day to certain times might not be for me. Of course I have to work, and I am working two part time jobs now, to support myself. But I have started thinking that the classical way of working (the 9 to 5) might not be the best option for me. Even more, I have realized, that the ideal of a job which will enable me to fullfil my purpose and live my passion, might not exist - and that's fine. It's totally fine to have a simple, not challenging job to earn money, and find fullfilment in your hobbies and relationships. Maybe I will think differently about this in the future, but at this moment in my life, this is exactly what I am doing.

I am happy but also a bit overwhelmed by taking up my studies. It's a lot of work and I 'm already behind though it's only a couple of days into the semester. But I don't mind it because it interests me and I do belief that I can learn a lot from it, not only in my major but also personally.

While I have moved into the next chapter of the story of my life, my love is still stuck at the end of the last one. My boyfriend is still searching for a job. It all takes so long and it's so exhausting. I hope that he'll soon find a job, so that we can move forward together. I think this is the reason why I am so confused about my feelings. I can't leave him behind. We have to find a future together. And this is just what we'll do.

To sum it up, the Buffy cast (as always) says it best: