Your Work Is Not Your Life or How I survived my business trip

I haven't been around for the last couple of weeks because I was on a major business trip. I went to the biggest book fair in Germany and besides having a booth there for 5 days, I also organized four readings and three evening events. I usually went to bed between 1am and 3am and had to get up at 6.30am. If you do this for 5 days in a row, you soon turn into a zombie which is excactly what I did.

Before the trip, I was so nervous, I couldn't sleep most of the time because I was so worried about what could go wrong. With that many events involving than many poeple (authors, dancers, musicians, technicians, press etc.) there are a million things that can go wrong, so many that something WILL go wrong no matter how prepared you think you are. And I'm only one person with one brain trying to not freak out about the 1000 things I have to think of,

But, and I never thought I'd say that, the whole trip was a success. We had a huge audience during our shows and we sold a lot of books - and in the end this is what it's all about. Also there were no major catstrophes (though there were plenty of small ones which add u to quite a problem) and I survived the trip not only physically but also mentally. The sole reason for latter is because I emotionally detached myself from my company.

The stressiest day by far was Thursday when we had our first evening show involving dance, music and readings. I was at the location at 5pm as planned to start the soundcheck, but every single dancer and musician was late. Then there were cables missing and the technician had to leave and buy new ones. Then the background music didn't work because the CD was broken and we had to improvise. Then the singers couldn't hear themselves on the stage because the speakers where directed towards the audience not the stage and they freaked out. Then we forgot to bring the book of one of the authors who was reading. And then my boss, who moderated the whole evening, was late and the audience was getting inpatient.

But once the show started it was all forgotten. Well, the singers where still complaining about the sound but they did it backstage and not on stage. On stage they were fabolous as always and the audience was delighted.

During all this time between the supposed start of the soundcheck and the actual show, obviously, I was freaking out quietly. But then I told myself: I did my best and though some things went wrong, a lot of things also went perfectly well and I did a lot better than during the last event. I have only held this job since April, so noone can expect me to be flawless. Also a lot of the problems weren't my fault. And - most importantly - this is only my job. I am an employee, and though I am doing my job the best I can, I am not personally resposible for every tiny thing that goes wrong. This is the upside of being an employee. I am honestly trying my very best here and and can't give it more than that.

So when I got home after this stressful trip, I didn't complain about how hard it was and I didn't think about all the things that went wrong (I mean, during the last event, I crashed my bosses car, so it can't really get worse than that, right?). No, When I came home, I snuggled up to my boyfriend, I watched funny movies, I slept a lot. I enjoyed all the beautiful things in life which are not my job. Because though I spend a lot of time working, my work is not my life. I have dreams which have nothing to do with my job. I have hobbies and interests and passions aside from my work. I have a wonderful partner who I love with all my heart, fabolous friends and a family, which supports me no matter what. Those are the things that matter. This is my life. And I am very grateful for it.

Things I've learned after opening my eyes to what's going on in the world - Part 2

Once again here's a summary of the most mind-blowing things I've learned from reading the newspaper on a regular basis over the last couple of months.

*in Germany in these days the major topic is of course the refugee crisis & there have been quite a few interesting articles from different points of view

1. the left politician Gregor Gysi explained that there have always been migration periods and that this is a good thing, because as of now more Germans die every year than are born and without immigration the German people will die out.
2. the right author Thilo Sarazin wants to catch every refugee boat which tries to get to Europe, bring the refugees back to where they came from and destroy the boat, also he wants to refuse asylum to anyone from the Balkans. - I have to clarify that I absolute do not share his opinion, I think it's outrageous, but you have to know what your enemies think.
3. one article correctly explained that the key to a unified Europe are its open borders, if we close the borders (as happened between Austria and Germany) Europe WILL fail.
4. we have to realize that if refugees left everything behind (their home, their house, their job, even their family) and risked their lives getting to Germany than there is never, never a reason to doubt wether they had a good enough reason to leave their country.
5. Switzerland accepted 37% refugees from Serbia and 40% from Kosovo, Finland accepted 43% from Kosovo and Germany accepted less than 1% from these countries. - Now I understand that of course the total number of refugees arriving in Germany is a lot bigger than in Switzerland and Finland but still the difference between 40% and 1% is significant.
6. in Germany a refugee from Syria will almost always get asylum, while a refugee from Kosovo will almost never get asylum, because they say in Syria there's a "real" war, while in Kosovo people are "only" abused by their governement and endangered by gangs. so now being Syrian is worth A LOT, people buy illegal Syrian passports because suddenly everyone wants to be Syrian. - Remember, that Syria is the country where your only two choices are a ruthless dictator and the islamist terrorists. This is crazy!

Gregor Gysi

*also, there was an excellent article about hate

1. nowadays there's a lot of hate in the German society (both from right and from left), people even started yelling anti-Semitic slogans - i was so shocked that this is still a thing here!
2. the article stated that hate shows a very specific behavioural pattern in the brain which is different from anger & fear but similar to love. they both have their origin in the same brain region (the putamen & the insular lobe). also they both live from loyality. hate is connected to anger like love is connected to lust: anger and lust can't be postponed but hate and love are patient.
3. people who hate are driven by something which is stronger than their desire to live peacefully: vulnerability.
4. the article ends by declaring: you have to take your feelings seriously but you also have to realize that they tell more about you than about the world you live in.

Thilo Sarazin

*in Benin (in West-Africa) children are sold for 70€, for a piece of cothing or for a bottle of Schnaps.

*a guy who lives in Dyarbakir (in South-East-Turkey) says: in this area there are three powers: the governemnt, the guerilla and the islamists. one of them will take your son away one day, after you put so much effort into raising him. this bloodshed has to stop!

*why is it that revolutions are so often followed by terror? after the French revolution there was the terror, then Napoleon; after the revolution in Ruanda there was the genocide; after the revolution in Lybia, there was islamism.

A quick word on Infinity

I once had a conversation with my friend's boyfriend which went something like this:

Him: "Look at my tattoo, which says 'All things are temporary', written in Arabic."

Me: "Well, isn't that a bit ironic, to have a tattoo, which is literally permanent, which says 'everything's tempory'?"

Him: Is it permanent, though? At last, when I'm dead and my body decays, my tattoo, too, will be gone."

Me: "True. But isn't the saying a bit depressing?"

Him: "Not for me. When everything's temporary, this means you should do whatever you want to do because in the end it won't matter either way."

Me: "Hmm."

Him: "You don't think so?"

Me: "I guess that's true. But it makes me sad. I guess I am looking for something permanent."

And isn't this the whole tragedy of life itself? One day it'll end. And everything you did, everything you said, all the impacts you had on other people, all the carrot pies you ate, all the inspiring blogs you read, won't matter in the long run.

Why do we promis each other forever if forever means simply till the day I die? Why do we thrive for things that'll last, friendships, relationships, stories, ideas?

When I was younger, I wanted to die with 29 because I simply thought that's enough life to live. But then I fell in love and now I share my life with someone I love, and all I can think is: I hope we both will live for hundred years so that we can experience many, many things together.

And it's not just about him, either. For me, myself, I have realized that there is still so much I want to see and to do and even if I live a 100 years it won't be enough. I want to travel to space and I want to be able to buy a ticket for a spaceship for the price of a plane ticket. I want to witness how humanity settles on another planet. I want to time travel. I want to be able to perceive dimensions, I don't even know about. I want to live in a world where all humans are one nation and treat each other with respect.

Honestly, I think that some of these things will be possible in the next 100 years. But I am almost 25. I might not live that long. But then again, maybe until I'm old, medicine will be so advanced, that we'll all live a lot longer. They say, the first person to live until 150 is already born. Might as well be me.

Still, some day, we'll all die. Probably. As for now, infinity is a concept which will never, ever be perceived by humans. And that's a shame. Or is it?

Do you pursue infinity or do you enjoy the fact that everything is termporary?

Fall 2015 Playlist

Life's nothing without music, which is why I have the habit of creating seasonal playlists on my Iphone. Here's my Fall 2015 Playlist:

Jim Sturgess - Girl

All American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret

All American Rejcts - Move Along

All American Rejencts - Top of the World

All American Rejects - I Wanna

All American Rejects - Fallin Apart

All American Rejects - Gives you hell

All American Rejects - Mona Lisa

American HiFi - The Breakup Song

Candy Hearts - I miss you

Candy Hearts - All the ways you let me down

Candy Hearts - Coffee with my friends

Edison - To Die For

Fall Out Boy - Sophomore Slump or Comback of

Fall Out Boy - Grand Theft Autumn

Green Day - Jesus of Surburbia

Lana del Ray - Video Games

Lana del Ray - Dark Paradise

Lorde - Royals

Lorde - Team

Panic! at the Disco - There's a good reason these tables are numbered, you just haven't thought of it

The Pretty Reckless - Heaven Knows

The Pretty Reckless - Fucked Up World

Streetlight Manifesto - Skyscraper

The Subways - Move to Newlyn

The Subways - Obsession

The Subways - Rock & Roll Queen

Sum41 - Walking Disaster

Sum41 - Speak of the Devil

Sum41 - Best of me

Sum41 - So Long Goodbye

Taylor Swift - I knew you were trouble

Taylor Swift - We are never ever getting back

Taylor Swift - Stay Stay Stay

Taylor Swift - Mine

Taylor Swift - Back to December

Taylor Swift - Mean

Taylor Swift - Better than revenge

Ryan Adams - Dear Chicago

Those are the songs which keep me going during cold mornings. Whats on your Fall 2015 Playlist?

Why I love the character Harry Potter

Obviously I love the Harry Potter book series. But it's only now that I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, that I realize one of the main reasons for my admiration for these books: the protagonist. I feel like Harry Potter as a character doesn't receive enough credit though he is a truly extraordinary protagonist who I can identify with.

Harry Potter is extremely talented

A protagonist has to stand out. Well, Harry had the label outstanding ever since the day he defeated Lord Voldemort as a baby. But this was not his victory. This just happened to him. What defines a person are the things he is responsible for, the choices he makes, the person he becomes and the abilities he gains. And say what you might, Harry Potter is an outstanding wizard because he is simply really good at what he's doing. People think that Hermione Granger is the the smartest one and this is probably true but she is smart because she reads a lot. Harry on the other hand is talented. There's a great difference. Harry in himself has the ability to do extraordinary magic like a powerful patronus or withstanding the Imperius Curse or actually killing Lord Voldemort. Some people say that Harry is only successful because of a mixture of luck and the help of his friends, but the truth is that he's successful because he's extremely good at what he's doing and I think he deserves more credit for that.

Harry Potter is complex

What I love most about the character Harry Potter is that he is not your typical hero, always doing the right thing, always helping others, never wavering. Harry in fact is quite the opposite. He constantly struggles with his dark side. He is extremely angry and reckless and at times pretty arrogant. Especially his anger is an interesting personality trait. Harry often feels mistreated. He yells at his friends. But now that I am older, I realize that most of the times he's right. He's the hero of these books but nevertheless noone, especially not Albus Dumbledore, bothers to tell him what's going on. People treat him like he can't handle the truth, though he has proven again and again that he can handle far more than most people. So yeah, sometimes he's stubborn and unfriendly and behaves like a child but it's only because everyone treats him like a child regardless of the fact that he's not. Nice, righteous characters are boring. Real people have edges and so does Harry Potter. The impressive thing is not that he's a good guy but that though he is constantly torn between good and bad, in the end he always chooses the right path. This is true strength.

Harry Potter cares

Harry had an aweful life, loosing his parents as a baby, growing up with his unloving relatives, being stimatized ever since he joined Hogwarts, loosing Sirius Black, the only family he ever had. A lot of people would become cold and heartless as a consequence. They have proof that life will do nothing but screw you over, so they shut everyone out. But Harry Potter didn't become this person. He still cares and this is one of his major personality traits. Harry cares about his friends, his family, he cares about the future of the world, about justice, and about surviving. He never stoped caring, though he always knew that caring leads to grief. In this aspect, he's a gread idol for me.

My favorite character is Sirius Black, but Harry Potter is a close second. And I think it's time that the world stops underestimating the popular book series' protagonist.

The best version of yourself

You know how people always say "Be the best version of yourself"? As if I was an old Iphone and they advised me to to the update to the next ios-system.

But in real life it's a bit harder. There will be no pop up which tells us, there's a better version of us available. So how do we know when it's time for an update? An how many versions of ourselves are there? Will the new versions just keep coming like Apples updates and will they maybe, also like Apple udates, be nothing more than the same deal like the previous version, just with a fancier name?

Of course I can see that I have changed over the last years. But this wasn't a matter of switching from a fallible to an improved version of myself in the matter of seconds, but i was a long process which I'm afraid wasn't controlled by me but was a reaction to the changing cicumstances and the growing challenges.

Lately I feel a bit stuck and terrified of the future. I spend a lot of time worrying about things to come and regretting things done. I know that this is unhealthy and that I should focus on getting forward instead, but it turns out to be a difficult job. So, where's my magical update? Believe me when I say, I'm totally down for a better version of myself right now! I need to impove, I know that. But I can't find the right software to install.

Some weeks ago, I made this scribble in my diary:

What do you think? Is it possible that the best version of ourselves is the mess we've become? Is it time that we stop trying to improve and start accepting, that this is it? Or is acceptance a synonym for giving up?

Can I call myself a writer?

I work with writers every day. My job is to edit books, organize readings and get newspapers and magazines to write nice reviews about those books. The people who write these books are writers. But what about bloggers? What about part time journalists? What about the teenage girl who writes fan fiction? Are they writers?

Sometimes people introduce me as a writer and it makes me feel like a fraud. Because am I actually a writer? What is the criteria which allows me to call myself a writer?

Is a writer someone who publishes texts?

Well, I published some pieces here and there. I sometimes write articles for my local newspaper. I write articles for the online magazine The Indie Chicks. I published a couple of short stories. I just recently wrote an introduction for a photo book. But still the amount of texts I publish is pretty small and very irregular. How much do you need to publish, to call yoursef a writer?

Is a writer someone who earns money with his or her texts?

I can count the articles and stories for which I was paid on one hand and the money I got for them won't even buy me a dinner. I did get some money for my writing but for me it was more a sign that my work was valued than an actual salary. Again: How much do you have to earn from your writing, to be a writer?

Is a writer someone who lives from his writing?

Then I am by no means a writer. As I mentioned my job is to edit and sell books written by other people, by authors, real writers. This is what I live from. With nothing but what I earn from writing I would live on the street.

Or is a writer everyone who writes?

I might nor earn a lot with my writing and I might not publish that much pieces on a regular basis, but I write. A lot. I write short stories, articles, blog posts (both for me and for others). I write in my diary very regularily (once a week) - and those entries are long and detailed because my life deserves diary entries like this. No day passes, where I don't write something. But still: Is this enough to call myself a writer? Well, the word is "writer" and not "someone who's published and lives from his writing".

Still it is a dilemma for me: I want to be a writer. And I'd like to call myself a writer but then I feel like a fraud when people ask me which magazine or publishing house I write for. I love writing more than anything. And I write a lot of things just for the sake of writing. But I also write to one day get published. I generally write to get better not only because I enjoy being good at soemthing but also so that my chances at being successful increase. Because the truth is I want it all: I want to write and I want to publish my writing and I want to earn money with it and one day I want to be able to live from it. I want to be a writer though I might already be one.

What are your thoughs? What makes a person a writer?