My Year 2015

2015 was an important year in my life, with many changes, ups and downs, mostly it felt and still feels like a rollercoaster ride. Here I will offer you an insight into my past year, into my manifestations and dreams, and into my realities. I will even illustrate this post with pages from my diary.

The first page in my diary. The quote is from One Tree Hill and says: "To those lost souls who stopped believing in the immensity of love."

In the beginning of 2015, I was still a student, worrying about nothing but exams and the future in general. Then, one day in January, future knocked on my dor - or rather it emailed me. The publisher of the publishing house I did a 5 days internship at in 2014 told me that someone left the company and asked me if I was interested in a job.

In fact I was very much interested. I dropped everything. I paused my studies, quit another job and started working at this publishing house in April.

This was a HUGE step for me. I had many part time jobs before but this was my first real big girl job. My work doesn't only consist of editing (which I wanted to do) but also of PR and organizing events. Those two things I have never, ever done before. I had absolute not experience in this field and therefore my first weeks at my new job were quite chaotic. But I'll come to that later. For know, I just have to say, that I am very proud of myself that I dared to make this jump. Because regardless of all the diffuiculties I had, I would've regretted it if I missed out on an oppurtunity like this.

In March I also traveled to India with my parents and a friend to visit my family in North India. Unfortunately we all got food poising, so it was a rather unpleasant trip.

In March I also started this blog. And I am so glad I did! Before I blogged on Buzznet, but the site was slowly drying out and had technical problems, so I decided that I am now strong enough to start a blog on my own. Thanks to the support from the Indie Chicks community and other bloggers, it went really well. I absolutely adore my new blog. I post regularily and I also got to know so many new and interesting bloggers through this.

Throughout the whole year my sweetheart was living with me in Germany, which improves my life on so many levels. We spent so many hours talking, watching movies, having sex, eating or just being with each other. His sole presence makes my heart beat faster. All those changes in my worklife, in my hobbies, in my friends circle were important, but nothing affected me and my life so drastically than the person I love. At the end of the day, I lie in his arms and regardless of all the challenges at work or elsewhere, I know that he loves me and that I love him back and this is truly all that matters. Believe me. Love is everything.

My self-written creed. It says: "I believe in science. I deeply believe in music & literature & art. I believe in love which conquers all, which endures life-shattering catastrophes, never wavering. I believe in my own mental strength. I believe in me, going through disappointments, setbacks & rockbottoms, wavering, trembling, doubting, but still standing."

I intensified my friendship with a Finnish girl who I got to know in 2014, this year. We had so many great and deep conversations, did so many fun activities. She visited my hometown and even my grandparents' house. I visited her in Helsinki. Now she is back in Finland but I'm grateful for the time we spent together.

I also spent some quality time with my two best friends from High School. Both of them had a hard time with their boyfriends and I'm glad that I could be there for them when they needed me most, just as they were there when I needed them. True friends are incredibly rare and I understood, that you have to keep the people you trust close.

I started a new routine named Weekly Gratitude where I write down what I'm grateful for every week and it made me realize how good my life is. It also showed me the things which are most important to me.

This is a copy of this cartoon.

In May I held my first major event with several readings and shows and as expected everything went wrong. I felt so incompetent and I actually wanted to quit right after but my boyfriend convinced me that I am allowed to fail now and then and that this is no reason to give up. So I kept going.

Then, also in May, I went to a book fair in another German city and held an event there. On the way to the theatre where the event was to be, I crashed my bosses car into a pillar. O GOD. This was definitely the worst moment this year, when I crashed, and I immidiately thought: how can I make it undone? But I couldn't. So I had to face it like the grown up I am. There was major damage and explaining it to my boss was not easy. But I survived. And I didn't loose my job. And it did make me into a stronger person.

One of my manifestations for 2015 was to publish a sociology essay about love in an anthology. But then the editor of the book didn't want my text because she said that she already had enough texts out of the area of sociology. So I gave up. But then a month or so later, I talked with my boss about this and she really liked my article and convinced the editor to accept it. I was back in! Writing the article was really hard, espeacially because I couldn't find this one research I needed. But in the end I completed the article and it got published in October and now there's this beautiful anthology with my text in it.

Another manifestation was to learn photography. Which I did. I am currently already attenting the second class in photography. I learned a lot and even had an exhibition in my university.

Of course in love it's not all rainbows and cuddles. My bf and I had some minor fights which felt pretty major while they were happening. Luckily we always made up quickly and it made our relationship only stonger.

Flyers and stickers I collected at the Fusion festival.

One of the greatest experiences I made in 2015 was visiting a festival named Fusion with my friends in June. Fusion is a music festival but also an alternative society where everyone is an anarchist or communist and/or vegan and just really open-minded and political. It was AMAZING. Not only was it just supercool to see all these people who proved that there's way to live life outside the box, but also it revived my interest in politics and I started reading a weekly newspaper. I am so glad that I found back to being interested in what's going on in the world.

In July I celebrated my 24th birthday and yes, I guess I should start behaving like an adult now but honestly, I still feel lost.

Towards fall my boyfriend started to feel depressed and frustrated many times. He was and is still writing his master's thesis and he's unsure where he'll go next. He doesn't really know what he wants to do and he feels lost and aimless. I'm trying to be there for him and to give him support in whatever he chooses to do and I can see that he greatly appreciates it. I deeply wish that in 2016 he will find his way.

The quote on the top is from New Girl and says: "Life sucks & then it gets better & then it sucks again." On the left it says: "Don't be so goddamn serious!"

Maybe as a reaction to this, but also to the stress I have at work, I started feeling lost, too. Many days I felt like I have no idea what I'm doing, like I just put one foot in front of the other, but have no direction. I don't know if I like my job or not and also there's the old question: What the hell should I do with my life?! Oh well. 

There was a huge fight in my friends group and a I lost two friends who I wasn't very close to, but still fights between my friends make me feel hopeless.

But on the plus side in August I made a new wonderful friend. She was doing an internship at the publishing house I work for and we instantly got along perfectly. We love all the same stuff and we constantly bomb each other with inspiration. We can talk endlessly about everything. It's so great when you meet someone and you immidiately know that they will be great.

In August I also visited my friend in Helsinki. It was my first time in Finland and it was so interesting and fascinating. Their culture and language and history is so different from everything I know. Also I thought it was awesome that we permanently drove around on boats.

Another wonderful thing which happened to me in 2015 was that I was accepted for a writing class at my university. With help of this class, I started writing my first novel. Publishing a novel is one of my biggest dreams and this year I made a huge stepped towards fulfilling it. I know that I still have a long way to go, but the class is really helping and inspiring me.

This is also a quote from One Tree Hill which says: "I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band for the first time, you know & nobodys's saying it but everybody's thinking it: We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling. But I can't. And if I can't be great at it, then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."

Another manifestation for 2015 was to hold a workshop at my university about erotic literature and to invite an author for this. The author was on board and I put so much work into organizing and preparing it, but in the end it never took place because my university's burocracy is a bitch and I couldn't get a room or the nessecary funds. That was a major bummer.

In October I went to the biggest bookfair in Germany and again held many events, shows and readings. And though some minor things went wrong, I feel like I did a lot better than with my last events and sometimes I even knew what I was doing. I think you can say that in the end it was a success and I am so proud of this. But even more proud I am of the fact that I didn't loose my mind during all the stress.

By far, the best book I read in 2015 was The Beach by Alex Garland. One of the burlesque dancers I work with and who I get along with fantastically well, recommended it to me and it BLEW MY MIND. It's a spectacular book, both plotwise and in the writing. It changed the way I see the world.

Pictures I collected in Berlin.

Last week I was in Berlin to hold some events. Unfortunately they were at weird locations and the number of viewers was too low. But I enjoyed visiting Berlin and getting the real big city feeling and hanging out with my friends there. Also my Mum, who came to visit me in Berlin, and I watched a show called Wunderkammer, which is a burlesque/circus show. It was the most beautiful thing ever and it really made me believe in the beauty of the world again.

So this was my 2015. To end, I'll make a quick recap of my manifestations which I made on New Year's Eve and on wether or not I made them happen.

Manifestations 2015

stay happy with my boyfriend >>> succeeded

learn photography >>> succeeded

learn one of these three sports: burlesque, yoga, poledance >>> failed

publish an essay about love >>> succeeded

keep in contact with the publishing house >>> succeeded

start writing my novel >>> succeeded

hold a workshop about erotic writing >>> failed

improve your writing for the local newspaper >>> failed

start building my empire by spreading my texts >>> succeeded

build a closer relationship to my cousin >>> failed

don't let negative thoughts or feelings in >>> failed

stay mentally stable >>> succeeded

learn things apart from university >>> succeeded

be less mean >>> succeeded

read this list every other week and really work towards my goals >>> succeeded

Here's to a fantastic 2016!

Your Work Is Not Your Life or How I survived my business trip

I haven't been around for the last couple of weeks because I was on a major business trip. I went to the biggest book fair in Germany and besides having a booth there for 5 days, I also organized four readings and three evening events. I usually went to bed between 1am and 3am and had to get up at 6.30am. If you do this for 5 days in a row, you soon turn into a zombie which is excactly what I did.

Before the trip, I was so nervous, I couldn't sleep most of the time because I was so worried about what could go wrong. With that many events involving than many poeple (authors, dancers, musicians, technicians, press etc.) there are a million things that can go wrong, so many that something WILL go wrong no matter how prepared you think you are. And I'm only one person with one brain trying to not freak out about the 1000 things I have to think of,

But, and I never thought I'd say that, the whole trip was a success. We had a huge audience during our shows and we sold a lot of books - and in the end this is what it's all about. Also there were no major catstrophes (though there were plenty of small ones which add u to quite a problem) and I survived the trip not only physically but also mentally. The sole reason for latter is because I emotionally detached myself from my company.

The stressiest day by far was Thursday when we had our first evening show involving dance, music and readings. I was at the location at 5pm as planned to start the soundcheck, but every single dancer and musician was late. Then there were cables missing and the technician had to leave and buy new ones. Then the background music didn't work because the CD was broken and we had to improvise. Then the singers couldn't hear themselves on the stage because the speakers where directed towards the audience not the stage and they freaked out. Then we forgot to bring the book of one of the authors who was reading. And then my boss, who moderated the whole evening, was late and the audience was getting inpatient.

But once the show started it was all forgotten. Well, the singers where still complaining about the sound but they did it backstage and not on stage. On stage they were fabolous as always and the audience was delighted.

During all this time between the supposed start of the soundcheck and the actual show, obviously, I was freaking out quietly. But then I told myself: I did my best and though some things went wrong, a lot of things also went perfectly well and I did a lot better than during the last event. I have only held this job since April, so noone can expect me to be flawless. Also a lot of the problems weren't my fault. And - most importantly - this is only my job. I am an employee, and though I am doing my job the best I can, I am not personally resposible for every tiny thing that goes wrong. This is the upside of being an employee. I am honestly trying my very best here and and can't give it more than that.

So when I got home after this stressful trip, I didn't complain about how hard it was and I didn't think about all the things that went wrong (I mean, during the last event, I crashed my bosses car, so it can't really get worse than that, right?). No, When I came home, I snuggled up to my boyfriend, I watched funny movies, I slept a lot. I enjoyed all the beautiful things in life which are not my job. Because though I spend a lot of time working, my work is not my life. I have dreams which have nothing to do with my job. I have hobbies and interests and passions aside from my work. I have a wonderful partner who I love with all my heart, fabolous friends and a family, which supports me no matter what. Those are the things that matter. This is my life. And I am very grateful for it.

Last weekend I crashed a car. And I'm proud of myself.

Just to clarify: I am not proud of myself because I crashed a car. This was not a rebellion or a political statement of some kind. It was really nothing but stupid as hell.

I spent 4 days in another German city to take part in a book fair and hold an evening event. Two hours before the big show, I picked up the dancers and musicians at the train station and drove them to the location they were performing at. When I attempted to park, I crashed my bosses car right into a stone pillar. Yes, there were several people in the car who talked all at ones. There were suitcases piled up to the roof. I was stressed out. But most of all I was incredibly stupid and apparently at least partly blind.

You know what they say: When something bad happens, there are two options: Fight or Flight. My instinct told me to run away, move to Scandinavia and never talk to anyone from my company ever again. I wanted to leave it all behind so badly. But I was standing right in front of the concert hall where an event I had organised was taking place two hours later. This was my responsibility. A lot of people depended on wether I'll throw it all away right then and there or I'll be a grown up and keep on going.

I called my boss and explained her what happened. Then I parked the car in a parking garage. Fortunately it was still working and the damage was only cosmetical, but it was still a huge damage. After the car was parked and my boss informed, I called my boyfriend mumbling unintelligible sentences and crying for 5 minutes straigtht. He told me to calm down and keep going with the event preparation because there was no way I could fix the car. So I said "okay" about 15 times, got some napkins from a bakery, wiped my tears away and carried on.

I literally carried on. I carried a big box with hundred books (among them photography books which are heavy as hell) on a 15 minute walk from the parking garage to the event location. At least I tried to. After a couple of minutes, I was so desperate, I yelled at a guy walking in front of me and begged him to help me. He helped me because there are still some decent people in this world.

I build a selling table with my hundred books on it, changed my clothes, talked with the technician. I read several text passages during the show, accompagnied by a cello player. All my friends were there, even my Mum was there. And though all hell broke loose before the show, I can still say, that the show was a success.

So no, I am not proud of myself because I am apparently too stupid to drive. But I am proud of myself because I didn't follow my instinct and fled. I chose to fight instead. I went on going though I was freaking out inside. And this is the only reason I am still standing.

Is this what being a grown up is like?

This week I organized two readings and three shows. You might remember from my previous blog posts that I have only held the position as a PR lady at a publishing house for a month now and that I have no experience in PR whatsoever.

The first show I organized on my own was an erotic evening in Munic. And every possible thing that could go wrong, went wrong. The dancers arrived late because I wasn't precise enough about when they had to be there. I forgot to send them the program. Everyone was stressed out and the atmosphere was really tense.

The second show was in a different city and was a lot better but it was also smaller.

The third show was held in my home by choice Tübingen and it was bigger. Around 150 people attendend, and I had to sell the tickets and the books and take photos. I was running around constantly trying to solve all the little problems that arose each minute. It was a beautiful show. We had a fantastic burlesque dancer, a comedian, authors, a singer and a piano player. The show was set in an old cinema with red chairs and a decor right out of the 50s. But I couldn't really enjoy it because there was so much to do.

Today I lay on the couch with my boyfriend and I told him that I feel bad for making so many mistakes and that I feel like I couldn't measure up to the expectations of my boss and the dancers and authors. I felt so overwhelmed. I never really learned what I am supposed to do. Everyone just expects me to know how these things work. But I don't. I still have to learn every little part of it and it's a lot to learn in such a short time.

I wondered: Is this what being a grown up is like? To constantly worry and be tense and be stressed and have all this responsibility, all this pressure, all this anxiety to fail? Will this be how I spend the rest of my life?

My boyfriend said: Roads don't always lead straight away to your destination. They have turns and detours and sometimes you get lost. But this was your first time. Noone has the right to expect you to be perfect. Next time you'll try again. And you'll do better. If you still have to learn things, this is a good sign. This is what you're supposed to do. This is what brings you forward.

So I decided to believe him and to move forward.

This is why I always ask too much of myself. Or: My first week at my new job

This Monday I officially started my new job as a PR lady at a publishing house.

The truth is that I have neither worked in a publishing house nor in PR ever before. What do I know about selling books and advertising authors and organizing events? Absolutely nothing. Honestly, everything I know about this stuff, I've learned during the last week.

So how did I end up here? Half a year ago I did a 5-days internship at this very publishing house just to get an idea of what work at a publishing house is like. Then one thing led to another and I ended up writing a short text for one of their anthologies and reading at their next event. Everytime someone cancelled, I was there and I jumped in and I gladely helped them out with whatever was needed regardless of the fact that I never did any of these things before. And then two months ago I got a mail from the owner of the publishing house, telling me that someone left the company and asking if I was interested in a job.

And what I did is either extremly brave or absolutely crazy. I dropped everything. I paused my studies. I quit another job. And I immidiatly took the job offer though I had absolutely no idea what I was walking into. I just knew deep down that if I didn't take this chance, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And I wasn't willing to live with that.

So over the next month I was alternating between absolutely excited and euphoric and daydreaming about being a real life Samantha Jones, and totally freaking out about how I am asking far too much of myself and will surely ruin the company.

You have to know that asking too much of myself if kind of my thing. I don't do it conciously but somehow I always end up in situations that are too difficult for me to handle. In school I chose French as my advanced course though I would have had a much easier time with English. Every single person in my French class was better than me and my grades weren't something to celebrate but my French did improve a lot.

Just some days ago I accidently signed up for an advanced Yoga class instead of a beginners class as planned though I have never done Yoga before. The beginners class was full and really wanted to start Yoga, so I clicked on sign up. A minute later I realized that they'll probably do crazy hard stuff like head stands and things like that. And how the hell am I going to keep up with that? I don't know yet. The class starts next week and I will figure it our when I'm there. Like I always do.

So back to my new job. It turned out that neither of my fantasies came true. I am not the world's best PR person yet but I have also not yet screwed up epically. I did screw up on a minor level and gave out a wrong office phone number for three days but I didn't scare of an important customer or start a fire - and even the printer is still alive. So all in all I think given my lack of experience I did a pretty good job.

What I did do this week is learn A LOT. I learned so much, my brain is about to burst. But I made myself like 100 checklists and to do lists and those are the only reason I can have a weekend without constantly worrying about forgetting everything. I talked with a lot of people, I wrote so many mails, and I even already organized and held my first event. Yesterday was the book premiere of one of our new books and as far as I can tell, I think it went extremely well.

The only thing that truely bugs me is that I feel like people don't take me seriously because I am so young. I am 23 years old and I look even younger. When I talk with people over the phone or mail with them, there's no problem but at the event I noticed how people tended to ask my older colleages about important stuff rather than me.

I hate how people think that young people will do a worse job. This is simply not true. Yes, I am young and I am unexperienced but I am highly motivated and willing to learn and I am extremely determined when it comes to things that I want to succeed at. I definitely want to succeed at this job. Being young doesn't mean that I am naive or irresposible or irreliable. It simply means that I am still learning.

So I guess the only way to answer to people who expect me to fail because I am young, is to proove them wrong. And this is exactly what I'll do.

A New Start

What I love most about blogging is being inspired by others and inspiring them right back. This is exactly what I'm looking for with this blog.

I have been blogging for 4 years on Buzznet and I have changed and developped so much with and through this experience. I was part of a strong and loving community. But now that the community looses more and more members and fights with technical difficulties permanently, I decided to let Buzznet go and look for happyness and self-fulfillment elsewhere.

I have long thought that I am not good enough, not strong enough and not confident enough to make it on my own. But here I am, starting this blog all on my own, daring a step into the unknown and hoping that it will change my life.

Because isn't this what life is all about? Stepping out of your comfort zone and watching how it will make you into a better person.

Some weeks ago I have made a decision that will change my life drastically. Last year I spontanously decided to do a tiny internship (only 5 days!) at a publishing house in my new home town, just to see how the work in the publishing industry is like. Never would I've guessed how these 5 short days would affect my life. In the months after my one week internship I wrote a short text for one of their new books, did a reading at an event and wrote a blog for their website. I got all these chances because I was there when others were missing out and because I took every new oppurtunity regardless of my fear of failure. A month ago the owner of the publishing house surprisingly asked me if I am interested in a job. And here I am, taking a leap into the unknown. I am pausing my studies, quitting a different job and remodelling my whole life for a chance which I have never expected.

With this blog I am doing the same. I am very interested in writing, books, movies, TV shows and music as well as general inspiration and tips to improve ones life. I will follow all blogs which make my heart beat faster and am hoping that what I will offer you here, will do the same to you.

I am excited and nervous about this new challenge. Being afraid can't stop us from moving forward. It's okay to be afraid. We just have to do it anyway.