Why not us?

I have always been someone who dreamed big. I'm talking revolution/changing the world/becoming super famous kind of big. Especially in my teens I seemed to think that anything is possible for me. Sure, I was a bit megalomaniac and now that I'm an adult, I have learned that following your dreams is a whole lot harder and more frustrating than I thought. But I still deeply believe in the concept of dreaming big.

Every since I was 11 years old I wanted to write. I wanted to be a journalist. sometimes for women magazines, sometimes for political newspapers. I wanted to write collums. I wanted to write reportages which reqire me to travel to three different continents and which take me a year to research for (there are those stories in newspapers for which the reporters actually researched for more than a year and they are always, regardless of the topic, fantastic!). I still want all of those things though I still have to find my way into the world of big journalism.

A dream I'm chasing right now is to write and publish a book. This book, of course, is supposed to be read. Finally I have a story I'm convinced of, and I work on it every weekend. So far I have only three chapters but I'm making progress. I hope to have finished the first draft by the end of the year.

I have a friend who also loves to write and has already finished a second draft of a book. To have a friend who shares my passion of writing is fantastic. Not only can we share tips and dream together but also it is extremely motivating to know someone who is fighting the same battle.

When people tell me that journalism and writing is a difficult and a popular field and that so many people want to succeed in it but only very few make it, I always answer: Well, if a few make it, then why shouldn't it be me? Seriously. Sure, I could focus on all those who fail but why? The one who succeeds could just as well be me. If you really want something, you should believe that it's possible or you'll live a pretty miserable life.

My friend has given this concept a nice slogan (which apparently is from Struck by Lightning by Chris Colfer, which I yet have to read): Why not us? Why shouldn't we become succesful authors? Why the hell not us?

Of course this mindset is not an excuse to become lazy and trust luck. In contrary. I know that I still have a very, very long path in front of me, a path towards my book and towards serious journalism. I still have to learn a lot and improve my writing. I have to improve so much that I'll be able to write the best book I could possibly write. Also, I have to network and find the right people at the right places at the write time which I'll have to convince of my idea. It will be an uphill battle but I am very much willing to fight it. If my book is shitty, then I won't succeed, no matter how often I ask myself; Why not us? But if I have done everything in my power to get close to my dream, then success is possible.

So the next time you scare away from a big dream because it's a tough field and you've heard that only very few make it, ask yourself Why not me? and then go and work your ass off.

Noones's going to discover you & make you a star. You have to discover yourself & make yourself a star.

I'm proud to say that on most days I'm a pretty optimistic and positive person, enjoying the little things and looking forward to all the awesome experiences life still has in store for me. But there are these other days too. These days when every little tiny thing I try to accomplish seems so incredibly difficult and complicated, I feel  like it's ridiculous how I can struggle with the simplest things. On those days I think about giving up on my goals every other minute.

Yesterday was such a day. And today is too, And the rest of the week isn't looking that bright either.

I am always working on several projects at once because as soon as my mind stumbles upon an idea I am passionate about, I have to immidiately work towards making it happen. Well, I already told you that I tend to ask too much of myself, remember?

Two projects I am working on at the moment are both tunring out to be so very much harder than I imagined.

I am planning to organize and realise a creative writing workshop about writing erotic literature at my university. I have the oppurtunity to realise workshops for credit if I also do some theoretical work and write a report about it. But the problem is that noone wants to fund my workshop, I have invited an inspiring and professional author and teacher but I can't afford her salary. It's not that much, honestly, it's ridiculous how much stress I have about such a small amount of money (compared to what my university is spending on other projects).

Apparently my faculty only funds projects which touch a topic which a professor is researching (and of course noone is researching on erotic literature - but why not?). The creative writing institute of my university also doesn't want to fund my project and now I'm trying to find extern sponsors out of the economy. I can't help but think that this wouldn't be such a problem if I was planning a workshop about poetry out of the Middle Ages or some other conventional topic. But erotic literature is still looked upon by scholars as no real literature and they don't even give me the oppurtunity to proove them wrong because they try to stop my project before it really started.

Secondly I was offered the oppurtunity to write a scientific text about love for an anthology. I was so excited that my text will be published but then the editor told me that she already had enough texts out of the field of sociology which is what I graduated in and is basically the only scientific field I know about. A few weeks later the boss of the publishing house which is going to publish the anthology told me that she likes my idea better than some of the texts chosen by the editor and that I should write the text after all.

I wanted to write about a theory I did a presentation on years ago which really impressed me. Unfortunately I don't have my records anymore. So I tried to find the text I was referring to back then but I just can't find it. I searched for hours and hours and it's like it doesn't even exist. It's so depressing. I guess I will have to research other stuff but I know what I want my text to be about, all I need is this article to check the details.

Those are only two things that are stressing me out at the moment. Additionally my new job as a PR person at a publishing house has its most stressful time now. This Friday there's a reading I organize. Next week I will organize and attend two more readings and three evening shows in three different cities. It will be so stressful. But it will also be really cool. I'm really excited and am looking forward to these events. But I also know that I'll be glad when they are over.

Over the last week I've been reading "Geek Girl" by Holly Smale. It's about a girl who is discovered as a model and becomes famous over night. And I can't help but wish that something like this would happen to me. I always wanted to be extraordniary in somthing, so much that people notice and believe in me and make me a star. But the older I get, the more I realize that this won't happen. I am not extremely talented in anything and I am not especially beautiful either. What I realized this week is this: Noone's going to discover me and believe in me and make me a star. I have to discover myself and believe in myself and make myself a star.

Yes, there are lucky people out there for whom things simply happen overnight but most of us have to get our ass up every day and fight for want we want to achieve. And most of the times noone will help you. You're on your own. This just means that I will fight even harder, so that I can proove all these people who didn't believe in my ideas and who didn't want to support me, that I don't need them.

This is why I always ask too much of myself. Or: My first week at my new job

This Monday I officially started my new job as a PR lady at a publishing house.

The truth is that I have neither worked in a publishing house nor in PR ever before. What do I know about selling books and advertising authors and organizing events? Absolutely nothing. Honestly, everything I know about this stuff, I've learned during the last week.

So how did I end up here? Half a year ago I did a 5-days internship at this very publishing house just to get an idea of what work at a publishing house is like. Then one thing led to another and I ended up writing a short text for one of their anthologies and reading at their next event. Everytime someone cancelled, I was there and I jumped in and I gladely helped them out with whatever was needed regardless of the fact that I never did any of these things before. And then two months ago I got a mail from the owner of the publishing house, telling me that someone left the company and asking if I was interested in a job.

And what I did is either extremly brave or absolutely crazy. I dropped everything. I paused my studies. I quit another job. And I immidiatly took the job offer though I had absolutely no idea what I was walking into. I just knew deep down that if I didn't take this chance, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And I wasn't willing to live with that.

So over the next month I was alternating between absolutely excited and euphoric and daydreaming about being a real life Samantha Jones, and totally freaking out about how I am asking far too much of myself and will surely ruin the company.

You have to know that asking too much of myself if kind of my thing. I don't do it conciously but somehow I always end up in situations that are too difficult for me to handle. In school I chose French as my advanced course though I would have had a much easier time with English. Every single person in my French class was better than me and my grades weren't something to celebrate but my French did improve a lot.

Just some days ago I accidently signed up for an advanced Yoga class instead of a beginners class as planned though I have never done Yoga before. The beginners class was full and really wanted to start Yoga, so I clicked on sign up. A minute later I realized that they'll probably do crazy hard stuff like head stands and things like that. And how the hell am I going to keep up with that? I don't know yet. The class starts next week and I will figure it our when I'm there. Like I always do.

So back to my new job. It turned out that neither of my fantasies came true. I am not the world's best PR person yet but I have also not yet screwed up epically. I did screw up on a minor level and gave out a wrong office phone number for three days but I didn't scare of an important customer or start a fire - and even the printer is still alive. So all in all I think given my lack of experience I did a pretty good job.

What I did do this week is learn A LOT. I learned so much, my brain is about to burst. But I made myself like 100 checklists and to do lists and those are the only reason I can have a weekend without constantly worrying about forgetting everything. I talked with a lot of people, I wrote so many mails, and I even already organized and held my first event. Yesterday was the book premiere of one of our new books and as far as I can tell, I think it went extremely well.

The only thing that truely bugs me is that I feel like people don't take me seriously because I am so young. I am 23 years old and I look even younger. When I talk with people over the phone or mail with them, there's no problem but at the event I noticed how people tended to ask my older colleages about important stuff rather than me.

I hate how people think that young people will do a worse job. This is simply not true. Yes, I am young and I am unexperienced but I am highly motivated and willing to learn and I am extremely determined when it comes to things that I want to succeed at. I definitely want to succeed at this job. Being young doesn't mean that I am naive or irresposible or irreliable. It simply means that I am still learning.

So I guess the only way to answer to people who expect me to fail because I am young, is to proove them wrong. And this is exactly what I'll do.

What the world can learn from Audrey Kitching

Audrey Kitching was one of the reasons I joined Buzznet back in the days. Audrey with her pink hair and precious make up impressed me with her uniqueness and her glamorous life. She taught me that you don't have to hide your crazy side but that this is the exact thing that makes you speacial.

I have just been watching a couple of interviews and videos with Audrey Kitching and I realized that I have never heard her talk before. It's eye opening. Underneath all her fashion and beauty obsession is this insecure almost timid tiny girl who looks like a single breath of wind will knock her right off her feat. Audrey talks in a high pitched voice, she uses a lot of filler words and she laughs all the time, as if she doesn't want her message to be taken seriously. I would have never expected this.

But it makes me admire her even more. This fragile little girl made it. She prove everyone that she is stronger than she looks, that she will never stop being herself and she became famous. It's amazing!

Audrey is the living proof that being afraid and insecure doesn't have to keep you from living your dreams. All you have to do is ignore your fear, put yourself out there and be true to yourself. And I promise, beautiful things will start to happen.

Step out of your comfort zone. Break out of your dull routine. And do what you were born to do. Stand out!

"Don't let your fear decide your fate."