And then everything changed

Sonntag, 27. Dezember 2015

Quotes to guide you in 2016

I love quotes and I regularily put together quotes which speak to me at the moment. Here are some quotes which I found to be true and meaningful in 2015 and which will guide me in 2016. Enjoy!

Dienstag, 22. Dezember 2015

My Year 2015

2015 was an important year in my life, with many changes, ups and downs, mostly it felt and still feels like a rollercoaster ride. Here I will offer you an insight into my past year, into my manifestations and dreams, and into my realities. I will even illustrate this post with pages from my diary.

The first page in my diary. The quote is from One Tree Hill and says: "To those lost souls who stopped believing in the immensity of love."

In the beginning of 2015, I was still a student, worrying about nothing but exams and the future in general. Then, one day in January, future knocked on my dor - or rather it emailed me. The publisher of the publishing house I did a 5 days internship at in 2014 told me that someone left the company and asked me if I was interested in a job.

In fact I was very much interested. I dropped everything. I paused my studies, quit another job and started working at this publishing house in April.

This was a HUGE step for me. I had many part time jobs before but this was my first real big girl job. My work doesn't only consist of editing (which I wanted to do) but also of PR and organizing events. Those two things I have never, ever done before. I had absolute not experience in this field and therefore my first weeks at my new job were quite chaotic. But I'll come to that later. For know, I just have to say, that I am very proud of myself that I dared to make this jump. Because regardless of all the diffuiculties I had, I would've regretted it if I missed out on an oppurtunity like this.

In March I also traveled to India with my parents and a friend to visit my family in North India. Unfortunately we all got food poising, so it was a rather unpleasant trip.

In March I also started this blog. And I am so glad I did! Before I blogged on Buzznet, but the site was slowly drying out and had technical problems, so I decided that I am now strong enough to start a blog on my own. Thanks to the support from the Indie Chicks community and other bloggers, it went really well. I absolutely adore my new blog. I post regularily and I also got to know so many new and interesting bloggers through this.

Throughout the whole year my sweetheart was living with me in Germany, which improves my life on so many levels. We spent so many hours talking, watching movies, having sex, eating or just being with each other. His sole presence makes my heart beat faster. All those changes in my worklife, in my hobbies, in my friends circle were important, but nothing affected me and my life so drastically than the person I love. At the end of the day, I lie in his arms and regardless of all the challenges at work or elsewhere, I know that he loves me and that I love him back and this is truly all that matters. Believe me. Love is everything.

My self-written creed. It says: "I believe in science. I deeply believe in music & literature & art. I believe in love which conquers all, which endures life-shattering catastrophes, never wavering. I believe in my own mental strength. I believe in me, going through disappointments, setbacks & rockbottoms, wavering, trembling, doubting, but still standing."

I intensified my friendship with a Finnish girl who I got to know in 2014, this year. We had so many great and deep conversations, did so many fun activities. She visited my hometown and even my grandparents' house. I visited her in Helsinki. Now she is back in Finland but I'm grateful for the time we spent together.

I also spent some quality time with my two best friends from High School. Both of them had a hard time with their boyfriends and I'm glad that I could be there for them when they needed me most, just as they were there when I needed them. True friends are incredibly rare and I understood, that you have to keep the people you trust close.

I started a new routine named Weekly Gratitude where I write down what I'm grateful for every week and it made me realize how good my life is. It also showed me the things which are most important to me.

This is a copy of this cartoon.

In May I held my first major event with several readings and shows and as expected everything went wrong. I felt so incompetent and I actually wanted to quit right after but my boyfriend convinced me that I am allowed to fail now and then and that this is no reason to give up. So I kept going.

Then, also in May, I went to a book fair in another German city and held an event there. On the way to the theatre where the event was to be, I crashed my bosses car into a pillar. O GOD. This was definitely the worst moment this year, when I crashed, and I immidiately thought: how can I make it undone? But I couldn't. So I had to face it like the grown up I am. There was major damage and explaining it to my boss was not easy. But I survived. And I didn't loose my job. And it did make me into a stronger person.

One of my manifestations for 2015 was to publish a sociology essay about love in an anthology. But then the editor of the book didn't want my text because she said that she already had enough texts out of the area of sociology. So I gave up. But then a month or so later, I talked with my boss about this and she really liked my article and convinced the editor to accept it. I was back in! Writing the article was really hard, espeacially because I couldn't find this one research I needed. But in the end I completed the article and it got published in October and now there's this beautiful anthology with my text in it.

Another manifestation was to learn photography. Which I did. I am currently already attenting the second class in photography. I learned a lot and even had an exhibition in my university.

Of course in love it's not all rainbows and cuddles. My bf and I had some minor fights which felt pretty major while they were happening. Luckily we always made up quickly and it made our relationship only stonger.

Flyers and stickers I collected at the Fusion festival.

One of the greatest experiences I made in 2015 was visiting a festival named Fusion with my friends in June. Fusion is a music festival but also an alternative society where everyone is an anarchist or communist and/or vegan and just really open-minded and political. It was AMAZING. Not only was it just supercool to see all these people who proved that there's way to live life outside the box, but also it revived my interest in politics and I started reading a weekly newspaper. I am so glad that I found back to being interested in what's going on in the world.

In July I celebrated my 24th birthday and yes, I guess I should start behaving like an adult now but honestly, I still feel lost.

Towards fall my boyfriend started to feel depressed and frustrated many times. He was and is still writing his master's thesis and he's unsure where he'll go next. He doesn't really know what he wants to do and he feels lost and aimless. I'm trying to be there for him and to give him support in whatever he chooses to do and I can see that he greatly appreciates it. I deeply wish that in 2016 he will find his way.

The quote on the top is from New Girl and says: "Life sucks & then it gets better & then it sucks again." On the left it says: "Don't be so goddamn serious!"

Maybe as a reaction to this, but also to the stress I have at work, I started feeling lost, too. Many days I felt like I have no idea what I'm doing, like I just put one foot in front of the other, but have no direction. I don't know if I like my job or not and also there's the old question: What the hell should I do with my life?! Oh well. 

There was a huge fight in my friends group and a I lost two friends who I wasn't very close to, but still fights between my friends make me feel hopeless.

But on the plus side in August I made a new wonderful friend. She was doing an internship at the publishing house I work for and we instantly got along perfectly. We love all the same stuff and we constantly bomb each other with inspiration. We can talk endlessly about everything. It's so great when you meet someone and you immidiately know that they will be great.

In August I also visited my friend in Helsinki. It was my first time in Finland and it was so interesting and fascinating. Their culture and language and history is so different from everything I know. Also I thought it was awesome that we permanently drove around on boats.

Another wonderful thing which happened to me in 2015 was that I was accepted for a writing class at my university. With help of this class, I started writing my first novel. Publishing a novel is one of my biggest dreams and this year I made a huge stepped towards fulfilling it. I know that I still have a long way to go, but the class is really helping and inspiring me.

This is also a quote from One Tree Hill which says: "I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band for the first time, you know & nobodys's saying it but everybody's thinking it: We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling. But I can't. And if I can't be great at it, then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."

Another manifestation for 2015 was to hold a workshop at my university about erotic literature and to invite an author for this. The author was on board and I put so much work into organizing and preparing it, but in the end it never took place because my university's burocracy is a bitch and I couldn't get a room or the nessecary funds. That was a major bummer.

In October I went to the biggest bookfair in Germany and again held many events, shows and readings. And though some minor things went wrong, I feel like I did a lot better than with my last events and sometimes I even knew what I was doing. I think you can say that in the end it was a success and I am so proud of this. But even more proud I am of the fact that I didn't loose my mind during all the stress.

By far, the best book I read in 2015 was The Beach by Alex Garland. One of the burlesque dancers I work with and who I get along with fantastically well, recommended it to me and it BLEW MY MIND. It's a spectacular book, both plotwise and in the writing. It changed the way I see the world.

Pictures I collected in Berlin.

Last week I was in Berlin to hold some events. Unfortunately they were at weird locations and the number of viewers was too low. But I enjoyed visiting Berlin and getting the real big city feeling and hanging out with my friends there. Also my Mum, who came to visit me in Berlin, and I watched a show called Wunderkammer, which is a burlesque/circus show. It was the most beautiful thing ever and it really made me believe in the beauty of the world again.

So this was my 2015. To end, I'll make a quick recap of my manifestations which I made on New Year's Eve and on wether or not I made them happen.

Manifestations 2015

stay happy with my boyfriend >>> succeeded
learn photography >>> succeeded
learn one of these three sports: burlesque, yoga, poledance >>> failed
publish an essay about love >>> succeeded
keep in contact with the publishing house >>> succeeded
start writing my novel >>> succeeded
hold a workshop about erotic writing >>> failed
improve your writing for the local newspaper >>> failed
start building my empire by spreading my texts >>> succeeded
build a closer relationship to my cousin >>> failed
don't let negative thoughts or feelings in >>> failed
stay mentally stable >>> succeeded
learn things apart from university >>> succeeded
be less mean >>> succeeded
read this list every other week and really work towards my goals >>> succeeded

Here's to a fantastic 2016!

Samstag, 19. Dezember 2015

Stop being a grumpy asshole and have a good laugh #2

I've been on a business trip to Berlin over the last week and had no time to post anything on here. My end of the year recap will come soon but in the meantime, here are some pictures and quotes I find funny. Sometimes all you need in order to have a better day, is a good laugh. So go ahead and laugh!

Every afternoon during the bus ride home.

That's pretty much me. I have a diploma but I'm still making it all up on the go.

All the time.

:) yap.

This is my mood on most days and the compliment goes to my bf.

It might sound strange, but I honestly sometimes touch my ass to brighten my mood.

The greatest pleasure in adult life.

Montag, 7. Dezember 2015

Good job - bad job

Is there anyone else out there who simultanously absolutely adores her job and totally loathes it? There are a lot of people who dread going to work and there are those lucky few who do something they love but what if you're both? Is this normal?

Last weekend I held two events for the publishing house I'm working for. And you know what I realized? I have the coolest job in the world! I have a lot of responsibility for my 24 years, my work involves dancing and music, I hang out with Burlesque dancers who wear the most fabolous clothes on a regular basis and I get paid for reading books. Honestly, sometimes I feel like a 50s movie star because that's how glamorous my work is.

But sometimes I feel like Cinderella before she turned into a beautiful princess, back when she was scrubbing the floor. Because sometimes I do scrub the floor, I clean up after the dancers have lost there clothes on stage, I argue with technicians and journalists, I have to phone a lot (which I hate). And then there's the paranoia, thinking about the million things that could go wrong. There are the dozen things which actually do go wrong. There's the anxiety asking if I'm good enough, self confident enough, smart enough, strong enough. There are all the sleepless nights in which I'm either holding events, preparing for them or worrying about them. All this is part of the showbusiness, too. Sometimes a job which involves glitter and fedoras and ball gowns is not that glamorous after all.

I feel really weird about not knowing if I like my job or not. I mean, shouldn't I be able to tell if I like something or not? 

Donnerstag, 3. Dezember 2015

Why do great women date assholes?

I have a friend who's a wonderful, smart, kind, talented woman. She could easily find a handful of guys who'd love to give her neck massages and make her breakfast every morning. But instead she dates this one major asshole.

And she's not the only one. We all know the phenomena that great women date assholes. We have at least one friend who is commiting this crime right now, and we have probably been one of these women at some point in our lives.

And I'm not talking about the kind of asshole who is basically just a sexy bad boy who sprays anarchistic slogans on public walls. No. I'm talking about the kind of asshole who treats you like shit but somehow manages to make you feel like you did something wrong. I'm talking about the kind of asshole who's a major drama queen but criticizes you when you get upset once in a while. I'm talking about the kind of asshole who gets overly jealous when you talk to your male friend and then goes and sleeps with every female co-worker he has.

Yep. We've all been there. Many of us luckily do manage to get out of such a poisonous realtionship sooner or later. Then, maybe they meet someone who's kind and nice and who actually treats her right. Or maybe they simply realize that being alone is far better than dating a piece of human garbage.

But there are also the women who never get out. They fight with their asshole boyfriend, they yell at them, threaten them that they won't take any more of their shit, they break up with them on a weekly basis. But then he promises to change, he smiles at her, he tells her that he loves her, so much, and they crawl right back into the same old broken marriage.

Or maybe they do break up with this one particular asshole for real but a month later they run into the arms of another asshole who is equally manipulating and controlling with a slightly different appearance.

Why? Why do women fall for assholes again and again and again while the nice guys are stuck observing them longingly from the distance?

I think there are two possible explanations.

First, women who fall for assholes repeatedly, are really negative people who think that the world is doomed and that human nature is in essence brutal and evil. They settle for assholes because this is the only kind of person they know and because they deeply believe that they don't deserve better.

To those women I'd like to say: Wake up! Open your eyes, there are good guys out there. Not all people are trying to make your life a living hell. And if you still can't find a single person who you don't think of as totally devious, then at the very least believe that you are not evil. Choose to be a good person. The world gives you what you show it. Be good and find hope in the knowledge that there is at least one decent person, you.

Second, women who fall for assholes repeatededly are extremly kind people. They are in fact so nice that they love everyone regardless of their flaws, even if those flaws are doing drugs or cheating on you with your sister. They are so nice that they believe they can fix another person, that they can heal him, and they seek out assholes because they think it's their responsibility to transform them into good people.

To those women I'd like to say: Wake up! Open your eyes, you cannot fiy everyone and it's not your mission to do so. Yes there are stories of assholes who turned into wonderful boyfriends and husbands once they lay eyes on this one, angelic woman who saved him from perdition (Hello, Nathan from One Tree Hill). But those stories are rare. Chances are that the jerk you're dating will never change but will rather change you into a more depressed and cynic person instead of you changing him for the better. It's great to be a nice person, these people  hold the world together, but first of all, you have to look out for yourself. You are your only real responsibility. Sometimes you have to do the thing that's best for you not everyone else, which probably means dumping the man who breaks your heart every other day. Save your own ass, first!

Why do you think great women date assholes?

Samstag, 28. November 2015

Weekly Gratitude 2

So Thanksgiving came and went and here in Germany I only noticed it when I was reading American news the day after. Everyone was sharing a list of things they're thankful for. This is a great thing to do but if you've read my blog, you'll now that I'm already doing this on a regular basis. Because let's be honest. To show gratitude only once a year is pretty pathetic.

I have a ritual which is to write down every week what I was thankful for during the previous week. I have written about this habit before here. Now, to be honest, lately my life hasn't been all picture perfect, in a lot of ways it absolutely sucked and I have been a miserable mess more than once. So, yes, there where weeks I haven't written down my Weekly Gratitude. But what matters is that I didn't give up on the habit. And amazingly even in really awful times (or especially then) did I find things to be grateful for.

I can only recommened doing your own Weekly Gratitude ritual. Not only will it help you appreciate your life more, but you will also learn a lot about yourself and the things that matter the most to you.

So, now I'm picking off where I stopped last time, and am sharing with you all my Weekly Gratitude lists:

5/3 2015
my text being reconsidered for an anthology
surviving a hard day + week
seeing the circus and dreaming of volunteering with it
learning about photography
starting a funny book
feeling with the Vampire Diaries
having my great love next to me
saving our festival trip

5/12 2015
awesome sex
intense emotions
taking good photos
being in love
believing in myself
My so called life
being confused

5/19 2015
organizing my first events
falling & getting back up
great sex
letting go of bad shit
great books

5/31 2015
a new real friend
surviving drama and coming out stronger
getting away for a while
so much inspiration
asking myself the important questions
my love

6/14 2015
I survived
it wasn't as bad as I thought
I'm proud because I kept going
my bf
mind-blowing sex
books, movies & TV shows
I finished my text on love
a glorious day in my home town

7/6 2015
an awesome festival!
my revolutionary & polical heart is beating again
a beautiful day with the love of my life
having a strong realtionship
newspapers & politics
my new fabolous manuscript

7/22 2015
having survived 24 years of struggles
a fun night out
morning sex in the shower
being appreciated for my writing skills
great literature
hearing i love you on a daily basis

8/12 2015
getting to know someone & instantly talking non-stop
spending time with my bf
re-reading Harry Potter
One Tree Hill
starting to write a book
feeling beautiful

8/31 2015
my Finland vacation
loving him & having him in my life
writing in my diary
Move Along
people who undestand how I'm feeling

9/21 2015
my bf gets a job promised
getting through the hard stuff
Harry Potter
my imaginary stories
holding his face & kissing his lips
cuddling in the warm

10/20 2015
surviving the book fair
I hadn't go through what my friend went through
good books
being at home with my bf again

11/10 2015
cuddling with him
fantasy books
bonfire in the forest
my diary
my strength
that I don't go crazy despite all the shit
my new friend
movies / TV shows about the apocalypse

11/29 2015
blogs + tea + candles
learning about writing
finding the book I loved most as a teenager
The Magicians 2
black tea