And then everything changed

Dienstag, 22. Dezember 2015

My Year 2015

2015 was an important year in my life, with many changes, ups and downs, mostly it felt and still feels like a rollercoaster ride. Here I will offer you an insight into my past year, into my manifestations and dreams, and into my realities. I will even illustrate this post with pages from my diary.

The first page in my diary. The quote is from One Tree Hill and says: "To those lost souls who stopped believing in the immensity of love."

In the beginning of 2015, I was still a student, worrying about nothing but exams and the future in general. Then, one day in January, future knocked on my dor - or rather it emailed me. The publisher of the publishing house I did a 5 days internship at in 2014 told me that someone left the company and asked me if I was interested in a job.

In fact I was very much interested. I dropped everything. I paused my studies, quit another job and started working at this publishing house in April.

This was a HUGE step for me. I had many part time jobs before but this was my first real big girl job. My work doesn't only consist of editing (which I wanted to do) but also of PR and organizing events. Those two things I have never, ever done before. I had absolute not experience in this field and therefore my first weeks at my new job were quite chaotic. But I'll come to that later. For know, I just have to say, that I am very proud of myself that I dared to make this jump. Because regardless of all the diffuiculties I had, I would've regretted it if I missed out on an oppurtunity like this.

In March I also traveled to India with my parents and a friend to visit my family in North India. Unfortunately we all got food poising, so it was a rather unpleasant trip.

In March I also started this blog. And I am so glad I did! Before I blogged on Buzznet, but the site was slowly drying out and had technical problems, so I decided that I am now strong enough to start a blog on my own. Thanks to the support from the Indie Chicks community and other bloggers, it went really well. I absolutely adore my new blog. I post regularily and I also got to know so many new and interesting bloggers through this.

Throughout the whole year my sweetheart was living with me in Germany, which improves my life on so many levels. We spent so many hours talking, watching movies, having sex, eating or just being with each other. His sole presence makes my heart beat faster. All those changes in my worklife, in my hobbies, in my friends circle were important, but nothing affected me and my life so drastically than the person I love. At the end of the day, I lie in his arms and regardless of all the challenges at work or elsewhere, I know that he loves me and that I love him back and this is truly all that matters. Believe me. Love is everything.

My self-written creed. It says: "I believe in science. I deeply believe in music & literature & art. I believe in love which conquers all, which endures life-shattering catastrophes, never wavering. I believe in my own mental strength. I believe in me, going through disappointments, setbacks & rockbottoms, wavering, trembling, doubting, but still standing."

I intensified my friendship with a Finnish girl who I got to know in 2014, this year. We had so many great and deep conversations, did so many fun activities. She visited my hometown and even my grandparents' house. I visited her in Helsinki. Now she is back in Finland but I'm grateful for the time we spent together.

I also spent some quality time with my two best friends from High School. Both of them had a hard time with their boyfriends and I'm glad that I could be there for them when they needed me most, just as they were there when I needed them. True friends are incredibly rare and I understood, that you have to keep the people you trust close.

I started a new routine named Weekly Gratitude where I write down what I'm grateful for every week and it made me realize how good my life is. It also showed me the things which are most important to me.

This is a copy of this cartoon.

In May I held my first major event with several readings and shows and as expected everything went wrong. I felt so incompetent and I actually wanted to quit right after but my boyfriend convinced me that I am allowed to fail now and then and that this is no reason to give up. So I kept going.

Then, also in May, I went to a book fair in another German city and held an event there. On the way to the theatre where the event was to be, I crashed my bosses car into a pillar. O GOD. This was definitely the worst moment this year, when I crashed, and I immidiately thought: how can I make it undone? But I couldn't. So I had to face it like the grown up I am. There was major damage and explaining it to my boss was not easy. But I survived. And I didn't loose my job. And it did make me into a stronger person.

One of my manifestations for 2015 was to publish a sociology essay about love in an anthology. But then the editor of the book didn't want my text because she said that she already had enough texts out of the area of sociology. So I gave up. But then a month or so later, I talked with my boss about this and she really liked my article and convinced the editor to accept it. I was back in! Writing the article was really hard, espeacially because I couldn't find this one research I needed. But in the end I completed the article and it got published in October and now there's this beautiful anthology with my text in it.

Another manifestation was to learn photography. Which I did. I am currently already attenting the second class in photography. I learned a lot and even had an exhibition in my university.

Of course in love it's not all rainbows and cuddles. My bf and I had some minor fights which felt pretty major while they were happening. Luckily we always made up quickly and it made our relationship only stonger.

Flyers and stickers I collected at the Fusion festival.

One of the greatest experiences I made in 2015 was visiting a festival named Fusion with my friends in June. Fusion is a music festival but also an alternative society where everyone is an anarchist or communist and/or vegan and just really open-minded and political. It was AMAZING. Not only was it just supercool to see all these people who proved that there's way to live life outside the box, but also it revived my interest in politics and I started reading a weekly newspaper. I am so glad that I found back to being interested in what's going on in the world.

In July I celebrated my 24th birthday and yes, I guess I should start behaving like an adult now but honestly, I still feel lost.

Towards fall my boyfriend started to feel depressed and frustrated many times. He was and is still writing his master's thesis and he's unsure where he'll go next. He doesn't really know what he wants to do and he feels lost and aimless. I'm trying to be there for him and to give him support in whatever he chooses to do and I can see that he greatly appreciates it. I deeply wish that in 2016 he will find his way.

The quote on the top is from New Girl and says: "Life sucks & then it gets better & then it sucks again." On the left it says: "Don't be so goddamn serious!"

Maybe as a reaction to this, but also to the stress I have at work, I started feeling lost, too. Many days I felt like I have no idea what I'm doing, like I just put one foot in front of the other, but have no direction. I don't know if I like my job or not and also there's the old question: What the hell should I do with my life?! Oh well. 

There was a huge fight in my friends group and a I lost two friends who I wasn't very close to, but still fights between my friends make me feel hopeless.

But on the plus side in August I made a new wonderful friend. She was doing an internship at the publishing house I work for and we instantly got along perfectly. We love all the same stuff and we constantly bomb each other with inspiration. We can talk endlessly about everything. It's so great when you meet someone and you immidiately know that they will be great.

In August I also visited my friend in Helsinki. It was my first time in Finland and it was so interesting and fascinating. Their culture and language and history is so different from everything I know. Also I thought it was awesome that we permanently drove around on boats.

Another wonderful thing which happened to me in 2015 was that I was accepted for a writing class at my university. With help of this class, I started writing my first novel. Publishing a novel is one of my biggest dreams and this year I made a huge stepped towards fulfilling it. I know that I still have a long way to go, but the class is really helping and inspiring me.

This is also a quote from One Tree Hill which says: "I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band for the first time, you know & nobodys's saying it but everybody's thinking it: We have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling. But I can't. And if I can't be great at it, then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."

Another manifestation for 2015 was to hold a workshop at my university about erotic literature and to invite an author for this. The author was on board and I put so much work into organizing and preparing it, but in the end it never took place because my university's burocracy is a bitch and I couldn't get a room or the nessecary funds. That was a major bummer.

In October I went to the biggest bookfair in Germany and again held many events, shows and readings. And though some minor things went wrong, I feel like I did a lot better than with my last events and sometimes I even knew what I was doing. I think you can say that in the end it was a success and I am so proud of this. But even more proud I am of the fact that I didn't loose my mind during all the stress.

By far, the best book I read in 2015 was The Beach by Alex Garland. One of the burlesque dancers I work with and who I get along with fantastically well, recommended it to me and it BLEW MY MIND. It's a spectacular book, both plotwise and in the writing. It changed the way I see the world.

Pictures I collected in Berlin.

Last week I was in Berlin to hold some events. Unfortunately they were at weird locations and the number of viewers was too low. But I enjoyed visiting Berlin and getting the real big city feeling and hanging out with my friends there. Also my Mum, who came to visit me in Berlin, and I watched a show called Wunderkammer, which is a burlesque/circus show. It was the most beautiful thing ever and it really made me believe in the beauty of the world again.

So this was my 2015. To end, I'll make a quick recap of my manifestations which I made on New Year's Eve and on wether or not I made them happen.

Manifestations 2015

stay happy with my boyfriend >>> succeeded
learn photography >>> succeeded
learn one of these three sports: burlesque, yoga, poledance >>> failed
publish an essay about love >>> succeeded
keep in contact with the publishing house >>> succeeded
start writing my novel >>> succeeded
hold a workshop about erotic writing >>> failed
improve your writing for the local newspaper >>> failed
start building my empire by spreading my texts >>> succeeded
build a closer relationship to my cousin >>> failed
don't let negative thoughts or feelings in >>> failed
stay mentally stable >>> succeeded
learn things apart from university >>> succeeded
be less mean >>> succeeded
read this list every other week and really work towards my goals >>> succeeded

Here's to a fantastic 2016!


  1. Congratulations on all that you have accomplished-- it was a year of ups and downs (as most are) but you seem to have grown so much and done so many great things!

    Here's to a beautiful new year!

    -- Harper

  2. Thanks Harper! May 2016 be even more fabolous!