And then everything changed

Samstag, 15. August 2015

Four Great Albums I Rediscovered Lately

About a month ago, I found some old music on my laptop, bands I've listened to as a teenager and which I've completely forgotten about. It honestly was like Christmas. There right in front of me was all this great music which I knew was good because I once loved it but still it was like I discovered it for the first time. Among this music, I rediscovered four albums which are the soundtrack of my life at the moment.

Sum 41 - Underclass Hero

This is, hands down, one of the greatest albums in the history of Punk Rock. It has all this anger and roughness and sense of protests and riots which a Punk band needs without sounding like broken guitars and buidlings in the middle of being torn down. There are a couple of songs which sound like that (and they should because the world needs more loud and unpleasant songs about politics!) but there are also some beautiful treasures which are suprisingly soft. My two favorite songs of "Underclass Hero" are "Best of me" and "Walking Disaster".

"Best of me" is simply the perfect song to listen to on repeat when you messed up and as I am messing up constantly and recently nicknamed myself Queen of Failure, I listen to this song quite often. When I'm on a bus, it is raining, it is dark outside and I listen to "Best of me", I realize that life sucks but that I wouldn't have it any other way. Because here's my secret: I love the bad stuff just as much as the good stuff. Dark times have a strange sense of magic,

To "Walking Disaster" on the other hand I don't listen to quite often but ALL THE TIME. Everytime this song comes up on my phone, I have to repeat it at least 5 times before I feel ready to go on listening to other music, just to got back to it after a couple of songs again. Why? Because it is that good. The title alone is genius. This should be my nickname too: Walking Disaster, because man I feel like it so often. But regardless of the title, it is a suprsingly beautiful and hopeful song which makes me feel like being lost is okay and which teaches me that even the lost will find their way home. Just listen to it. And then listen to it again. And again. And again.

The Subways - All or nothing & Young for Eternity

I love the Subways. Both albums are simply perfect. Most of their songs are rather hard both in the sense of loud and in the sense of morally uncomfortable. But they also have calm and soft songs. With the Subway I just love the general feeling this band gives me. It's the perfect soundtrack for a twentysomething's summer. It makes me feel like the world is hard and sad and unfair but at the same time incredibly beautiful. It makes me glad that I'm alive.

On "All or nothing" my favorite song is "Move to Newlyn" because it captures the essence of life in less than 3 minutes. But I also love "Obsession" (because what's life without a little obsession?), "Strawberry Blonde" and "Lostboy" (both great love songs).

On "Youn for Eternity" I like "Mary", "City Pavement" (the hymn of every big city gir!) and "With You". But the absolute best song of this album and from the Subways in general is without question "Rock & Roll Queen". I also listen to this song at least three times daily. The lyrics are pretty simple but it just makes me feel great about myself. Rock & Roll Queen was what my ex boyfriend called me but now I understand that I can be this person without him. I am this person no matter who I'm dating. I am Rock & Roll Queen.

Panic! at the Disco - A fever you can't sweat out

Okay I didn't really rediscover Panic! at the Disco, they were always part of my playlist. But I go through certain Panic! at the Disco phases. I can't listen to them at all for 6 months and then suddenly I listen to nothing else for a complete week. I had a week like this lately. I deeply believe that Panic! at the Disco make everything better. They are always a go to band when I feel down. What I did rediscover is the song "There's a good reason these tables are numbered, Honey, you just haven't thought of it yet" (man, I hate there long song titles). In 2009 when I graduated from High School I discovered this song and it made me feel like anything is possible. I have lacked this feeling in the last couple of years. But when I listen to this song today, it makes me feel like I am strong and sexy and like I can in fact achieve pretty much anything if I really want to (the problem is finding out what I want to, you know). The insecure little girl is gone. I am stronger now. And music helps me to be that person.


Queen of Failure
Walking Disaster
Rock & Roll Queen

Montag, 10. August 2015

On the brilliance of Sirius Black

I am currently re-reading Harry Potter 5 again (because life's too short to not re-read your favorite books every couple of years). And I wanted to write a post about my favourite character of all time, but then I realized I already did this on my old blog. So, no harm in posting it again because it is as true as ever:

On the brilliance of Sirius Black
(originally posted on at March 22, 2014)

Yesterday I've seen a picture of some children and teachers dressing up as their favorite book character. And I wondered: Who is my favorite book character? I have read a lot of books so it's hard to choose but I realized that without doubt my all time favorite character is Sirius Black from the Harry Potter series.

I believe that Sirius Black is just perfectly created by J.K.Rowling.

He is the ultimate tragic hero. He grew up in a family obsessed with dark magic which he despised. He was always the odd boy in his family, at last when he was sorted into Griffindor instead of Slitherin. But in Griffindor he met James Potter who offered him a better life. You can learn from Sirius and Remus Lupin talking about old times and from Snape's memory in book 5 that James and Sirius were popular boys. Sirius was this good looking, easy going rebel-type. He and James both dedicated their lives to fighting dark magic which means for Sirius that he fought his own family.

But then Sirius lost his best friend, James Potter, who he would have died for. And even worse he was accused for James' death and was sent to the most horrific prison ever where gruesome creatures slowly sucked his soul out of him. But Sirius managed to escape and now made it his new life goal to protect James' only son Harry Potter. He had to hide but he manged to join up with Harry. After three years being "free", he was murdered by his own cousin.

Sirius is such an incredible sad character that it is suprising that he still remains so charming and energetic. I mean, it can't be denied that everything that happened to him broke him physically and mentally and that it made him bitter and depressed. But Sirius never stopped fighting. And the unconditional love he had once given James he then gave Harry. Sirius was the only family Harry ever had and he, in fact, died for him.

Sirius is loving and caring. He is also often described as extremely impulsive, reckless and hot-tempered. I adore his personality so much because he is such a complex person. He is truely loyal and righteous but at the same time he is always on the urge of exploding and picking a fight.

Every character I read about has to measure with Sirius Black and noone compares to him. He inspired my own writing a lot.

I mean Harry Potter has many awesome characters (Harry, Remus Lupin, Ginny, Bellatrix Black etc) but it is in Sirius Black were J.K. Rolling has really created a masterpiece. It's no wonder she dedicated a whole book to him (Harry Potter and the prisoner of Askaban). My favorite Harry Potter book is book 5 because Sirius is so present in this book. Even if he is not there, he is always there for Harry and he has definetly shaped Harry into a stronger person.

I've read that J.K. Rowling originally intended to kill of Arthur Weasley in book 5 but then switched to Sirius Black because she was afraid of what his father's death would do to Ron Weasly and she feared that he would loose his humor which defines him. Harry was never  humorous but always very serious and sad, so that Sirius' death just contributed to his obsession with killing Voldemort.

Dienstag, 4. August 2015

You don't have to live your life like everyone else does

Lately I have felt quite lost in life. I feel like the older I get, the less I know what to do with my life. When I was a teenager I had it all figured out: my studies, my career, my perfect partner, in what kind of hip bars I would hang out in my twenties, how I would trough regular dinner parties. Now I am in my twenties, I have paused my studies for a job I never dreamed of doing, my partner's nothing like the person I imagined in High School but better, I never hang out in hip bars but only in worn down pubs, and I only held two dinner parties in my life and one of them was a complete disaster.

I keep wondering: Am I totally sucking at being an adult or does everyone in their 20s feel this way? I'm constantly torn between "this is normal and I kind of enjoy it", and "I'm the absolute worst at getting my shit together".

Most of these days I feel like this:

Sometimes I also feel like this:

While all around me people are getting married and they are having awesome jobs and they are publishing books and they are already having kids. What the hell?!

The truth is I don't even want all of these things (or more specifically: I have no idea what I want) but to hear what others in my age are up to and to see their Facebook status definitely freaks me out.

This is what I felt like when I missed the train some weeks ago (again) and realized that I am definetly the Queen of Failure. But then I looked at my life from a distance, and I saw a lot of things I like: I saw a functioning relationship and trustworthy friends, I saw good books and good music, I saw a roof over my head and food in my fridge (even some vegetables), I saw a salary on my bank account (a ridicolous small salary but at least it's a salary). I might not be where my teenage self expected me to be in my mid-twenties, but I am not a total failure either. All in all I am doing okay. Sometimes okay is enough to keep going and to keep fighting until your okay turns into not-shitty-at-all and this turns into kind-of-awesome. This is where I'm heading.

I also realized two things which put everything into perspective:

1. To think that everyone except you is leading the perfect life is a lie. 

Those people who have thriving careers and are getting married and pregnant are still the minority and they might not even be happy. People tend to show the world only their successes and hide their failures, so if someone appears like they have their shit together, the truth might be that they are struggling just as much as I am.

2. You don't have to live your life like everyone else does. 

We think that there is a plan to life which goes something like this: graduate from High School, study, get a high paying job, get married, buy a house, have children, and so on. But this is a lie! There is no plan for life, each of us has to find their own way. The traditional CV might make some people happy, but nor does it guarentee happiness, neither is it the only way to happyness. You can never become rich and successful and still accomplish something. You can never get married or start a family and still live a fullfilled life. All those things are just suggestions and you are here to figure out wether you want some of these things or not. And this is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment.