And then everything changed

Freitag, 29. Mai 2015

A Hymn to Friendship

Over the last weekend I took a trip to my childhood hometown, accompagnied by a new friend, to spend some time with the friends I have know for half my life.

Lately I noticed that I have become very picky with friends. In my new home, I only have two real friends (real meaning that I can talk to them on a deeper level). One of them is the friend I've brought with me to my trip "home". It's funny because when I first met her, I didn't consider her a potential real friend. She seemed nice and friendly and most of my other good friends are quite the opposite. But then I noticed how I got into really intense conversations with her and how she was willing to share her deepest feelings, which soemtimes were scarily similar to mine.

You know how these days not many people are willing to really lay open there inner selves? So many relationships are fun and entertaining but it never goes beyond this level. You never really get to know the other person to a degree where you feel like now you share an important experience. The truth is, I'm sick of shallow friendships. Life's too short to waste your life with people who don't touch and move your heart. You wouldn't spend time with an unfullfilling relationship, would you? So why spend it with unfulfilling friendships?

I might not have many friends that measure up to my high standards but the ones that I do have are extraordinary.

I have known one of my best friends for more than 10 years. Back then we were both enslaved by a really unhealthy friendship with another girl which stole most of my youth and made me miserable for so many wasted years. But then one night me and my now friend walked back home together and we really talked for the first time and it was like the world suddenly had hope again. We had incredible similar interests and values and dreams. We bonded right then and there, we freed ourselves from this unhealthy friendship we were stuck in. We have been friends for more than 10 years now and we have truly seen each other in our best and our worst times. Everytime I meet this person after being seperated from her for a month or more because we live in different cities, it's like no time has passed.

My other good friend from home is one of the most extraordinary people I know. When we hang out together, it's like we're on drugs without ever really being high on anything but each other. We talk so much, it's incredible. We push each other forward. Every little interesting thing that happens to me or that I hear about (like a book or an article or a song) I have to immidiately send her. She is the only person who is allowed to read my diary and to be honest, I partly only write it for her.

The other real friend I have in the city I live in, is my boyfriend. He has been my partner and lover for more than 3 years now and we were never just friends, nor will we ever be, but he is still my best friend. When I come home after an exhausting day at work, he is there, and I look at his adorable face and love just pours into my heart and erases all other feelings. I love talking with him, I love snuggling up to him, I love doing ordinary stuff like eating or cleaning with him, I love making love with him. So often I complain about my work life or other stressful aspect of my life but then he takes me in his arms and I realize that I already have it all. I have him.

I enjoy watching tv shows about twenty somethings like Friends or How I Met Your Mother (any suggestions for similar shows? Please tell me!) and they always have these absolutely awesome friend groups who permanently hang out together and are adorable together and help each other out and are hilarious. And man, I wish I had a friend group like them. But my friends are few and sprinkeled all over the country.

Still: I have four people who I consider my real friends, and I mean the really deep shit, the call me at 3am when you're depressed friends. There are no words to describe how thankful I am for them.

Mittwoch, 20. Mai 2015

Movie Recommendation: Seven Psychopaths

Every now and then I find a movie I've never heard of before which totally blows my mind. This was the case with "Seven Psychopaths". My boyfriend wanted to watch this movie, so when I started watching it I expected either a horror movie or a bad comedy. But the more the movie progressed, the more often I found myself thinking "Man, this stuff is really good".

"Seven Psychopaths" was released in 2012. It's about an aspiring writer Marty Faranan, played by Colin Farrell, who wants to write a screenplay with the title "Seven Psychopaths". As research his best friend Billy Bickle, who's hands down the best character in this movie, puts an ad in the newpaper asking for real life psychopaths.

And then things get weird. Marty's screenplay and reality collide in a way that leaves it long uncertain which version is the real one. It reminded me of the equally brilliant movie "Stranger than Fiction", just a lot more bloody. It also reminded me a bit of Quentin Tarantino movies because just as Tarantino loves to do, "Seven Psychopaths" is built like a puzzle which is only completed in the end.

"Seven Psychopaths" did several things to me. For me a criteria of a good movie is that it has plot twists which make me think "Well, I didn't see that coming" and "Seven Psychopaths" is this kind of movie. It also made me want to write a screenplay regardless of the fact that I know absolutely nothing about screenwriting. And it made me laugh out loud. Because in the end "Seven Psychopaths" is just absolutely hilarious.

Sonntag, 17. Mai 2015

Is this what being a grown up is like?

This week I organized two readings and three shows. You might remember from my previous blog posts that I have only held the position as a PR lady at a publishing house for a month now and that I have no experience in PR whatsoever.

The first show I organized on my own was an erotic evening in Munic. And every possible thing that could go wrong, went wrong. The dancers arrived late because I wasn't precise enough about when they had to be there. I forgot to send them the program. Everyone was stressed out and the atmosphere was really tense.

The second show was in a different city and was a lot better but it was also smaller.

The third show was held in my home by choice Tübingen and it was bigger. Around 150 people attendend, and I had to sell the tickets and the books and take photos. I was running around constantly trying to solve all the little problems that arose each minute. It was a beautiful show. We had a fantastic burlesque dancer, a comedian, authors, a singer and a piano player. The show was set in an old cinema with red chairs and a decor right out of the 50s. But I couldn't really enjoy it because there was so much to do.

Today I lay on the couch with my boyfriend and I told him that I feel bad for making so many mistakes and that I feel like I couldn't measure up to the expectations of my boss and the dancers and authors. I felt so overwhelmed. I never really learned what I am supposed to do. Everyone just expects me to know how these things work. But I don't. I still have to learn every little part of it and it's a lot to learn in such a short time.

I wondered: Is this what being a grown up is like? To constantly worry and be tense and be stressed and have all this responsibility, all this pressure, all this anxiety to fail? Will this be how I spend the rest of my life?

My boyfriend said: Roads don't always lead straight away to your destination. They have turns and detours and sometimes you get lost. But this was your first time. Noone has the right to expect you to be perfect. Next time you'll try again. And you'll do better. If you still have to learn things, this is a good sign. This is what you're supposed to do. This is what brings you forward.

So I decided to believe him and to move forward.

Dienstag, 12. Mai 2015

3 Blogger Who Inspire Me

It's true that I love books more than most people but there are some people who really inspire me to move forward and to stand up for myself. Some of them are members of my family or friends or people who surround me on a daily basis, others are authors or actors or historical figures, and some are bloggers. Here are 3 bloggers who inspire me:

1. Keltie Knight

I got to know Keltie Knight, then Keltie Colleen when I first joined Buzznet in 2011 and though I've never met her in person, she (probably unknowing) had a great impact on my life. Keltie Knight is a dancer turned author turned entertainment journalist, three things which I absolutely admire and which I aspire to in my own life.

After Keltie finished High School in Canada she moved to New York City all by herself with nothing but her dreams and a great talent at dancing. I've read her book "Rockstars, Rockettes and Rockbottom" about this time and not only did I underline every other sentence because it was so beautifully true but also did I identify myself with her. When Keltie first moved to NYC she struggled really hard. She lived in a tiny apartment and had a tough time finding jobs as a professional dancer. But she kept fighting and over the years she danced for the Rockettes, in a show in Las Vegas and for numerous megastars. She made it because she believed in herself even when noone else did.

Also she had a couple of really aweful realtionships, the most famous with Panic at the Disco leadsinger Brendon Urie. She always fell for the wrong guys and went through relationships which almost broke her. Today Keltie Knight is happily married and her lovestory with her husband makes me believe that lifelong love is possible.

The one thing out of all the many projects and jobs Keltie has been busy with which I loved most were her HeartBlogs on Buzznet. They were so vunerable, so close to real life that they hit me right in the heart every single time. I was so disapointed when Keltie left Buzznet last year but just yesterday I found out that she is starting a new blog with her genius HeartBlogs returning. So if you've never read one of Keltie Knight's HeartBlogs you have the chance now. It might change your life.

2. Hiya Tootsie

I've just discovered Hiya Tootsie some months ago because we are both writing for the absolutely adorable magazine The IndieChicks. Hiya Tootsie is a freelance writer who quit her job to follow her dreams. This fact alone makes me admire her. I have thought about freelancing fulltime a lot recently but I am not entirely sure that I'm brave enough. Maybe I should read even more Hiya Tootsie.

Because this is exactly what she is: brave. Honestly there is no better word to describe this lady. She is absolutely bold and goes after what she wants and doesn't let anyone talk shit about her. Yes, she also has anxieties and insecurities but she takes risks and moves towards her goals NEVERTHELESS. This is the key to success and this woman has it.

3. Samii Ryan

Samii Ryan is another fellow former Buzznet-Blogger and this is how I got to know her. She is an incredible person, a model and a designer. One look at her and you can see that Samii Ryan is an outstanding girl. Her style is the absolute coolest and her attitude inspires me to be more daring.

On her blog Samii Ryan writes a lot about love, or rather the lack thereof, and sex. I love how open and honest she is about sex. She treats sex as this activity which we all do and which can lead to really embarassing stories but which can also create some of the best experiences you will ever have. And this is exactly what sex is about. I enjoy talking with my friends about sex A LOT, there's no topic more popular, and it was among others through Sammi Ryan that I become more comfortable with my body and more open and adventurous with my sex life. So thanks for that, Samii.

Mittwoch, 6. Mai 2015

Noones's going to discover you & make you a star. You have to discover yourself & make yourself a star.

I'm proud to say that on most days I'm a pretty optimistic and positive person, enjoying the little things and looking forward to all the awesome experiences life still has in store for me. But there are these other days too. These days when every little tiny thing I try to accomplish seems so incredibly difficult and complicated, I feel  like it's ridiculous how I can struggle with the simplest things. On those days I think about giving up on my goals every other minute.

Yesterday was such a day. And today is too, And the rest of the week isn't looking that bright either.

I am always working on several projects at once because as soon as my mind stumbles upon an idea I am passionate about, I have to immidiately work towards making it happen. Well, I already told you that I tend to ask too much of myself, remember?

Two projects I am working on at the moment are both tunring out to be so very much harder than I imagined.

I am planning to organize and realise a creative writing workshop about writing erotic literature at my university. I have the oppurtunity to realise workshops for credit if I also do some theoretical work and write a report about it. But the problem is that noone wants to fund my workshop, I have invited an inspiring and professional author and teacher but I can't afford her salary. It's not that much, honestly, it's ridiculous how much stress I have about such a small amount of money (compared to what my university is spending on other projects).

Apparently my faculty only funds projects which touch a topic which a professor is researching (and of course noone is researching on erotic literature - but why not?). The creative writing institute of my university also doesn't want to fund my project and now I'm trying to find extern sponsors out of the economy. I can't help but think that this wouldn't be such a problem if I was planning a workshop about poetry out of the Middle Ages or some other conventional topic. But erotic literature is still looked upon by scholars as no real literature and they don't even give me the oppurtunity to proove them wrong because they try to stop my project before it really started.

Secondly I was offered the oppurtunity to write a scientific text about love for an anthology. I was so excited that my text will be published but then the editor told me that she already had enough texts out of the field of sociology which is what I graduated in and is basically the only scientific field I know about. A few weeks later the boss of the publishing house which is going to publish the anthology told me that she likes my idea better than some of the texts chosen by the editor and that I should write the text after all.

I wanted to write about a theory I did a presentation on years ago which really impressed me. Unfortunately I don't have my records anymore. So I tried to find the text I was referring to back then but I just can't find it. I searched for hours and hours and it's like it doesn't even exist. It's so depressing. I guess I will have to research other stuff but I know what I want my text to be about, all I need is this article to check the details.

Those are only two things that are stressing me out at the moment. Additionally my new job as a PR person at a publishing house has its most stressful time now. This Friday there's a reading I organize. Next week I will organize and attend two more readings and three evening shows in three different cities. It will be so stressful. But it will also be really cool. I'm really excited and am looking forward to these events. But I also know that I'll be glad when they are over.

Over the last week I've been reading "Geek Girl" by Holly Smale. It's about a girl who is discovered as a model and becomes famous over night. And I can't help but wish that something like this would happen to me. I always wanted to be extraordniary in somthing, so much that people notice and believe in me and make me a star. But the older I get, the more I realize that this won't happen. I am not extremely talented in anything and I am not especially beautiful either. What I realized this week is this: Noone's going to discover me and believe in me and make me a star. I have to discover myself and believe in myself and make myself a star.

Yes, there are lucky people out there for whom things simply happen overnight but most of us have to get our ass up every day and fight for want we want to achieve. And most of the times noone will help you. You're on your own. This just means that I will fight even harder, so that I can proove all these people who didn't believe in my ideas and who didn't want to support me, that I don't need them.

Sonntag, 3. Mai 2015

Moodboard Spring 2015

Every once in a while I create a moodboard which is a collection of pictures which inspire me and which represent how life feels like to me at the moment. Today's moodboard is all about inspiring and sexy people, flowers, outer space, being a grown up, myhology, love, passion, soul searching and celebrating the little things.

Do you create moodboards? What's on your current one?