And then everything changed

Samstag, 28. März 2015

Don't be a rock *Here's your ticket to an intense life*

My friend is just going through a rough time with her longtime boyfriend and while we were talking about this, there was a moment where she was like: I wish I could just not care so much. I wish I could be like a rock and let nothing hurt me.

In this instant I knew that being like a rock is the worst that can happen to a person.

After my very first boyfriend broke up with me and broke my fragile little teenager heart, I decided to never let someone hurt me like this again. I closed up. From then on I lived my life totally independantly, never letting anyone come too close, caring only about my own immidiate needs. Let's just say I was kind of an asshole.

I broke up a perfectly well and promising relationship because I found myself falling in love and love scared the living hell out of me. Instead I had meaningless sex.

And then I met a guy who made me throw all my standards and rules over board. I was head over heels. I was obsessed. After 5 years of being a stone, I cared again. I cared so much that I thought that I couldn't survive loosing this person. I let myself be totally swallowed up by him.

And I fell. Hard. He broke up with me. And man, it hurt so much. I thought: This is what you get from letting someone in.

But then the most amazing thing happened. A wonderful human being found me in the middle of my misery. He saw me at my most vulnerable and my least desirable. I was a total wrack. But he fell in love with me and he was there for me whenever I felt like giving up. And after some time he made me smile again. Some more time passed and he made me feel again. More, he made me love again. I felt a love so pure, so simple, so beautiful - I've never even known that it existend. And from this day on I am waking up with this warm feeling of true love every morning. This boy has been my lover and partner in crime and my best friend for over three years now.

The point of this story is not that I'm an incredible lucky girl (what I surely am). But that it was only after I've let myself feel and after I have been broken to pieces that I found out what life is all about.

If you care, if you feel, if you stop being a rock and experience everything intensely instead, you will hurt. You will fall and shatter again and again. Because all the bad stuff will hit you right in your heart.

But here's the good news: All the good stuff will too. You will enjoy hanging with your friends on a nice summer day like there's no tomorrow. You will feel every single butterfly in your stomach when you fall in love. You will have incredible sex. And if you find it, you will experience love so deeply that it feels like nothing else matters. And really: nothing else matters.


  1. I love this post. So glad you stopped over my blog for the open house, sorry it's taken me a bit to come and leave a proper hello. Although I have yet to get to this point in life, I firmly believe this is how it should be and will be. Unfortunately we need to break, heal, and become whole again. It's a long process but I do believe even the hurt is worth it in the end. Paula :-)

  2. Thanks for stopping by, Paula :) I really appreciate it. And I'm glad that you also think life should be lived intensely.