The first show I organized on my own was an erotic evening in Munic. And every possible thing that could go wrong, went wrong. The dancers arrived late because I wasn't precise enough about when they had to be there. I forgot to send them the program. Everyone was stressed out and the atmosphere was really tense.
The second show was in a different city and was a lot better but it was also smaller.
The third show was held in my home by choice Tübingen and it was bigger. Around 150 people attendend, and I had to sell the tickets and the books and take photos. I was running around constantly trying to solve all the little problems that arose each minute. It was a beautiful show. We had a fantastic burlesque dancer, a comedian, authors, a singer and a piano player. The show was set in an old cinema with red chairs and a decor right out of the 50s. But I couldn't really enjoy it because there was so much to do.
Today I lay on the couch with my boyfriend and I told him that I feel bad for making so many mistakes and that I feel like I couldn't measure up to the expectations of my boss and the dancers and authors. I felt so overwhelmed. I never really learned what I am supposed to do. Everyone just expects me to know how these things work. But I don't. I still have to learn every little part of it and it's a lot to learn in such a short time.
I wondered: Is this what being a grown up is like? To constantly worry and be tense and be stressed and have all this responsibility, all this pressure, all this anxiety to fail? Will this be how I spend the rest of my life?
My boyfriend said: Roads don't always lead straight away to your destination. They have turns and detours and sometimes you get lost. But this was your first time. Noone has the right to expect you to be perfect. Next time you'll try again. And you'll do better. If you still have to learn things, this is a good sign. This is what you're supposed to do. This is what brings you forward.
So I decided to believe him and to move forward.