Why can't we behave like people on vacation all the time?

I've had wonderful four weeks of vacation full of fun, love, family, adventures, new experiences, and living worryfree for once. Isn't that the best thing about vacations? That we can - far away from all our every struggles and tasks - finally be our very best, easy going, fun self? That's why we meet new people on vacation, because that's the time we are peoples' persons. While in everyday life we're so annoyed and stressed, always running towards the next appointment, deadline or goal, that we don't even notice the people around us most of the time.

Now that I'm back home, I miss that vacation feeling. I miss talking about everything and nothing, about philosophy and the future and at the same time about cake and clothes. I miss going out to eat or to see a movie. I miss trying out new things because there's the oppurtunity and hey, we're on vacation! I understand that the way our society is built, people have to work in order earn money in order to save money in order to spend money (for example on a vacation). In everyday life there are always a million things to do, no matter if for you this includes working, studying or taking care of the kids. There's never enough time or money. On vacation we eat out all the time, while in everyday life this habit would just be too expensive and also: do you really wanna go out into the cold, dark night to eat or rather fix something up in your kitchen, then cuddle on the couch and watch The Walking Dead? Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker of cuddling + food + a good (or bad but enjoyable) tv show. But once in a while, I'd like to have a nice dinner in a restaurant, to really talk, to watch the stars. Not only on vacation.

So, even if we can't live each and every day as carelessly as our vacation-alter-egos do, I think we can still try to include some of the vacation feeling into our everyday life. Even if it's something small like taking your time to sip your first cup of coffee and read the newspaper in the morning or taking a long walk (preferably through a beautiful snow landscape). Life's so much more than work. It's so much more than checking of an endless To Do List and waiting for the next vacation to arrive. All that stuff is pointless, if we don't enjoy ourself - not only once in a while but on a regular basis. If we can find a way to incorperate the vacation spirit into our everyday lives, not only will we become better, less grumpy versions of ourselves, but we will also find something that in the long run makes all the difference: not extatic joy - but contentment.

Life never follows your plan

When I was 15 or 16 I did an internship at a magazine which is why I was away from home for a whole month. I spent my nights talking to the girl I shared a room with and telling her about all my fabulous plans I had for my life. At some point she said: You know, sometimes plans don't work out like that. Obviously back then I was too ignorant to believe her because what did she know? She was a teen just like me. I thought that I had it all figured out. Turns out, she was absolutely right. Except you can replace the "sometimes" with "never": Plans never work out like that. Because life doesn't give a shit about your plans.

I don't even remember what my Master Plan as a teen exactly consisted of but I'm pretty sure it included studying journalism in Munich and coming home only for Christmas via an adventurous mini-road-trip with cool new friends, listening to Driving Home for Christmas. Well, that didn't work out. I didn't study in Munich and dindn't study journalism but European Studies, then Sociology and Politcs, then Creative Writing, then Literature. I'm trained to work in a publishing house, not a newspaper. I'm light years away from where I thought I'd be when I was 16.

And here's the secret: I'm kind of okay with that. So, my dreams didn't come true but instead I did and experienced and discovered so many other, exiting things I never even thought about before. I became a better version of myself. I tried out so many jobs and hobbies, I lost count. I fell in love. I got engaged. I traveled a lot. I work in a hairsalon at the moment and I love it.

I still like planing but ever since I graduated High School I've given up on pretending that I know where my life will lead me. Because I was wrong so many times, it would be crazy to still believe in it. Instead I follow the path that unfolds in front of me, even though I have no clue where it's leading. I don't think that I have it all figured out anymore because on most days I feel utterly lost. And that's absolutely acceptable. So when life doesn't follow your plan (again), put on a smile and your big girl boots and then put one foot in front of the other until you find something new to walk towards. It'll be fine. I promise.

Here's a beautiful song which really nails my philosophy:

And also, just because it's November and I mentioned it:

PS: I'll be on vacation till December, so I won't be posting for the next few weeks. Have a wonderful November!

Love is Easy - Relationships are Hard

You know those people who give up when there's the slightest difficulty in their relationship with the argument that love is supposed to be easy? Well, they're mixing two different things. Yes, love is easy. Falling and staying in love pretty much happens all by itself. Love is still one of the greatest mysteries out there but we do know that being in love requires zero effort on our part. In fact, your consious mind might not even have a say in who you love.

Being in a relationship on the other hand is an entirely different story. Just because you love someone and that person loves you back, it doesn't mean that you're going to live happily ever after. Because you're still two different people, each one bringing their own problems, traumas, opinions and ways of living into the relationship and they are going to clash. You're going to spend a lot of time with each other and there will be problems. To date I don't know of a single relationship without any problems. That's just a myth.

So if your're running into some difficulties in your relationship, it doesn't nessecarily mean that you're not loving each other or that he's not the one. That's no reason to thrown in the towel. I see and hear of so many people who give up a relationship because of minor stuff and it's so sad because they're giving up their chance at a great partnership for their idea of what a relationship is supposed to look like. I say, screw what it's supposed to look like. If you're in love with each other (and if you're not consistently treating each other like shit), you have a good chance of making it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. It may still not work out in the end but it just as well could be the very thing that makes your life magical.

re-publish: Problems = challenges = the start of something amazing

It's only Tuesday and I already feel like at the end of an extremely stressful week. And last week wasn't much better. So instead of posting something new, I'm going to re-publish a post from a year ago which I keep thinking about and which still feels true:

There are times when it seems like every day a new problem arises and your entire life is nothing but problem solving.

I keep thinking about a quote from The Marian movie (which is fantastic by the way) based on a book by Andy Weir. The hero Mark Watney is stranded by himself on Mars and has to find a way to survive on a planet which is deadly in so many ways. The way he makes his disastrous situation work is truly inspiring. Yes, Mark Watney is my idol (regardless of the fact that he is fictional).

At the end of the movie he tells his students:

“At some point, everything’s gonna go south on you and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to go home.”

(Mark Watney, The Martian)

This is very much the essence of life. Life will always be full of problems and you will have to solve one problem after the next in order to move forward. The trick is to not let the problems cloud your entire life. Because if you look close enough, amongst all these problems you can see moments of pure magic: hours spent with your lover watching the night sky, afternoons laughing and drinking coffee with your friends, an inspiring book, a mind blowing movie, the wind which blows though your hair when you stand on a bridge in your home town, bright flowers, bonfires, hikes through the forest, hot chocolate with marshmallows, a beautiful dream. Those are the moments we are living for.

Problems are also challenges. They are a chance to grow and to fight through the storm in order to come out of it as a stronger version of yourself. Problems ask for new ways of thinking, for creative solutions and for change. And yes, change is terrifying, but it can also be the start of something amazing.

If it gives you a little joy in this horrible world - go for it!

A while ago I heard the fabolous Ru Paul say this on a podcast:

"If it gives you a little joy in this horrible world - go for it." 

I think they were talking about people who have Instagram accounts for their cats and dogs and he was all for it. He was all for everything that gives you joy. And I think he's absolutely right. Just to be clear: if it gives you joy to torture people, do not go for it. In fact, I'd suggest you rather go to a therapist and/or psychiatrist. But I'm not talking about psychopaths here, I'm talking about regular people who enjoy little stupid things which they might be embarrassed about.

I see people judging others for pretty much everything on a daily basis. They make fun of them or think less of them or talk behind their back because they did something which doesn't fit into their category of enjoyment, like maybe creating an Instagram acount for their pet or having a personal blog or wearing too tight leggins or listening to Taylor Swift or putting pinapple on their pizza. So much gossip is based on such mundane things, both gossip about people we know and about celebrities. Don't get me wrong I love gossip like the next person (possibly even a little more) but there's a difference between gossiping and making people feel bad about what they enjoy.

If you gossip about someone you don't know, it might be a waste of energy but it doesn't really do anything. The person wearing that awful outfit in the bus probably doesn't care about you or your opinion at all. But if you don't understand your friends' "guilty pleasures" (which is a stupid term in itself because pleasure does not equal guilt) and tell them how stupid you think their love for childrens' cartoons or women's magazines is, they might start to feel embarassed for it and stop doing it or at least start to hide it.

There's no reason to be embarassed about the things you enjoy! It doesn't matter how ridiculous other people find it, if you like it - go for it! The world is awful enough as it is with terror and racism and hate and conflict everywhere you look. If something still manages to make you smile in the midst of all of it, this means there's still some hope. So let's stop calling our pleasures guilty and instead be proud of them!

Some of my "guilty pleasures" include: Justin Bieber's "Love yourself" (totally obsessed with it), Vampire Diaries, The Selection, The Magicians tv show (so bad but so good), celebrity gossip (I have a gossip app on my phone which I check daily) as well as real life gossip, the Law of Attraction and anything connected to it, analyses of Game of Thrones episodes which are twice as long as the actual episode, writing in my diary, pictures of people kissing, Nina Dobrev (I used to carry a picture of her around in my purse as an inspiration), Cosmopolitan, the LadyGang podcast and Facebook group, and so so much more. I don't care if people disagree with my favourites (mostly their disagreement actually makes sense to me), but if I stopped being exited about those things, life would be pretty dull. So let's just not stop being exited about little things.

You get what you put out there

You know how people say that you should try to bring positive vibes into the universe and good things will happen to you? Well, maybe you don't hang around with so many spirtually obsessed people like I do, but I'm sure you've heard something similar before. Well, I recently found out that it's true.

I have this new job where I hand out flyers/vouchers in the streets for a local hairdresser. I was a bit nervous on the first day, because I was worried if I would manage to hand out as many as my boss wanted to or if noone would take them. Also, my Mum asked me if this was really the job for me as I had a job before where I had to talk with lots of people on the street in order to sell them something and (at least according to my Mum) I sucked at it.

But in this new job handing out flyers? I don't suck. Not at all. In fact I am handing them out twice as fast as expected and (even better) it's fun! Also I feel like through this job I have become more open and approachable. People notice me more and people talk to me on the street all the time, asking me if I want to participate in something, etc. Also people I don't know at all suddenly greet me and I can just assume that I've handed a flyer to them some time. Plus, the craziest thing happened to me today. A girl on the street working for the company I once worked for (you know, talking to people in order to sell them something) approached me and offered me my old job back.

Which leaves me with two thoughts: First, I must be a completely different person than I was seven years ago. Which is probably totally normal and healthy. Second, you truly get what you put out there. If you try to be open and confident and motivated and happy, oppurtunities will come your way. It might feel weird in the beginning but it's really the little things which make all the difference. So for the start here's another clichée that's true: A smile can go a long way.

Life sucks but you should laugh anyway; or: Why I love FRIENDS

I've been re-watching the tv show Friends for the last months. It's a funny story how I came to love this show. I never expected to like it because honestly I find sitcoms pretty ridicolous. But one weekend years ago my roommate was gone, I was bored, and had no Wi Fi, when I stumbled on my roommate's DVD of the first season of Friends. I gave it a try and I loved it. I didn't love the jokes (I actually still think they're pretty ridicolous most of the time) but I loved the story. Now that I am re-watching it in my mid-twenties it speaks to me even more.

Despite all the jokes, it's not a happy story most of the time. Actually the one thing that's constant on Friends is that they're failing. I can't count how many times they lost their jobs, how often they had to work crappy jobs they hated, how often their hearts were broken, how often they failed at achieving the thing they wanted. This reaches from little everyday goals to major life goals like having a child. That's the first thing I love about Friends: It somehow makes it okay to fail. If even your tv heroes don't have their lives together, than maybe we ordinary real life people are not such loosers after all.

The other thing is that regardless of all the disappointments and setback the Friends characters have to permanently face, it's still a show which makes you happy. Because through all this crap they never loose their humour. They make jokes about everything (even about things which would be extremely inappropriate to joke about in the real 21st century world) and they laugh a lot. They aknowledge that life sucks but they laugh anyway. Because really, what else is there to do? Maybe the only way to deal with all this ugliness is to joke about it. Preferably with your best friends.

For me in the end it's all about this: Life may suck but as long as they have each other it's all going to be okay. And isn't this true even outside of sitcoms? You may not be where you wanted to be, in fact you may be so far from that place that you doubt you'll ever get there, but as long as you're surrounded by the people you love and who make you happy, you're doing fine. You're doing great.

The Friends theme song says it all:

Let go of the stuff that weighs you down

And with this I mean your literal stuff. Your belongings. Having too many things just weighs you down, it chains you to a place and makes you less flexible. You should also get rid of your emotional baggage but start with your actual baggage and you will be suprised by what an emotional effect it will have.

My main task for May (besides the obvious: surviving and not messing up too badlly) has been to get rid of stuff. I helped my Mum clearing out her basement and sold stuff on Ebay. I sold my old clothes on a fleemarket and the Internet and I donated and gave away the rest. I threw away so many old letters, birthday cards, study material, scribbles, articles I tore from magazines, and so much more. I had fun going through all these memories and indulging in the nostalgia of easier times (which were tough in their own way obviously - we just tend to idealize the good old times even if they weren't so good). But I had even more fun throwing those memorias away. I will always have my actual memories- Yes, I will forget stuff but that's just my brain's way of telling me that this stuff doesn't matter anymore.

For me there's nothing more freeing than getting rid of stuff. I always wanted to have rather few things than many. The main reason is that owning little makes it that much easier to pack up and move. I live in a rented apartment where all the furniture and other stuff down to the cutlery belongs to my landlord. It makes me breath easier. Sure, some day I might invest in sturdy furniture and pretty dishes but I'm only 25 and I love the feeling of being able to leave within a couple of days to wherever life drags me to.

Also having lots of stuff around me gives me a feeling of heaviness. It's messy and crowded. I can still make my place look messy without a lot of stuff but it's much easier to do this if you own a lot.

Lastly, in the end I aks myself: What does all this stuff even mean? Nothing. Sure I like cute clothes and fascinating books but only the ones which I am actually using regurarily. That's enough. Because if you think about it, things don't mean anything. They don't feed you and they surely don't make you happy. What matters are the people you love and the activities you're passionate about. Which is why I rather spend my money on experiences than on things. And I'm glad to see that this seems to be a trend. Minimalism is in. People start to understand that belongings won't make you happy. Which shows me that we're not living in such a horrible time after all.

(PS: I know that I started a blog post with "And" - and I'm totally fine with it.)

Is Love Enough?

You know how the movies end once the couple have admitted to their love and come together, making us think that from then on there will never be problems again, like in the hiraliously accurate song from Crazy Ex Girlfriend?

Well, you guessed it, it's a lie. The real challenges starts when the movies end. Relationships are hard and you will have problems no matter how over the heels in love you are with each other. They say: Love is enough. But sometimes this is hard to believe. So is it true?

I think there are two types of struggles a relationship can face. The first are external struggles. You might get along fantastically and be happy with each other every second you are together. But the rest of your lives might not be so sunny. Even if it seems like your love life is all that matters, unfortunately this is not the case. Career, family, health, and more - all these areas can produce problems which will probably also have an impact on your relationship. For example you might have to move for a job or because a family member needs help. You might have to face legal or health problems which threaten to tear your relationship apart.

The good news is that this doesn't reduce your love in any way. It might even strengthen it, when you get a "You and me against the world" mentality which is kind of romantic. But it's still tough. Constantly fighting for what you love is exhausting. You have each other but it can seem like the rest of the world is trying to pull you apart. And there are relationships which fail because someone has to move away or is too involved in their job. But are those the relationships which are built on real deep can't-live withouth-each-other-love? Probably not. My secret is that I'm a big romantic and I think that in the end love will always be stronger than all those external things which are making your shared lives difficult.

The second kind of strunggles a relationship may face are internal ones and those are a bit more tricky. I'm not talking about having a fight now and then or sometimes being annoyed by a habit of your partner. I'm talking about the big stuff. We all know these couples who seem to do nothing but fight - often about the same issue over and over again. When a relationship brings you more misery than joy, it's obvious that there's something fundamentally wrong with it. You might just not work well with each other, you don't get along which is why you constantly hurt each other.

This is definitely unhealthy. But still I have seen couples of this sort stay together for years and years despite having so many internal problems. Because they love each other. For me the one sign which tells if someone is your one big love is if they stay. Love is stronger than all these struggles, even if it makes you miserable.

So yes, I do think that love is enough and I also think that in many cases you really don't have a choice than to fight for it. Because it's brutal, yes, but it's also the most amazing feeling you will ever experience.

Don't Sweat The Big Stuff

I'm 25 and it seems like daily I am bombarded with the big stuff: marriage, children, career, house, etc. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely the time in my life to make these big decisions, and some of them will most definitely be made in this year. But still - give me a break for a moment!

There has been a lot of discussion on social media as well as in my real social circle on the question: children or career? It seems like especially of women it is expected that they choose one of these paths and somehow the whole world wants to know which path you're going to walk. Well, what if I want neither of these things? Neither kids nor a career are in any way a priority in my life right now. I'd much rather focus on spending as much time  as possible with the people I love and doing the things I enjoy. And this is absolutely okay.

Society wants us to constantly chase the next big thing, the next milestone in your life. Unfortunately many of those milestones take place in your 20s - so I'm in the middle of this crazy chase. Except I refuse to participate. Yes, I do want some of the big stuff but I want to be happy and conent on a daily basis a lot more than that. When will we start to realize that life is not about climbing a ladder or building the perfect family? It's about the small stuff.

What's the first question people ask when they meet a new person? It's mostly: What's your job? As if you could define a person by their job. But you can't. Instead of immediatly asking about their job, why don't we ask about what interests them, what's important to them, what they are passionate about, what they enjoy doing? For some lucky ones this will be the same thing they earn money with but for many others it won't. This is the stuff which really matters. The small stuff. What you do without anyone paying you to do it. What you are dreaming of. And most importantly the people you decide to share your time with.

So let's take a step back from the big stuff. Those decisions will be made when it's time. Instead we should truly enjoy the small things. Also, let's stop asking people when they're getting married, when they're having children, or what their next career move will be. If they are close to you, you will be told this stuff sooner or later. And if they're not close to you, then it's frankly none of your business anyway.

Remember: Everyone is struggling

It's so easy to think that we're the only ones having problems, pitying ourselves and wishing that we could be one of these giggling girls in the coffee shop, or have a relationship like the kissing couple next to the bus stop, or - most commonly - live a life as glamorous and adventurous and worryfree as the Instragram celebrities we follow.

But I tell you a secret: The girl group in the coffee shop could have just finished a conversation about relationship problems or job issues and are now telling each other jokes to cheer up. The kissing couple might be about to be seperated for months because one of them has to move away for work and are sharing a last kiss. And the Instragram beauties' smiles might disappear the second they lower their phone camera when they resume thinking about all their troubles.

It's nothing new that everyone wants to be seen as successful and happy and that we're all presenting our best side to world. But this has increased even more with social media. Noone shares their low points on social media. We all share the good stuff, the success. This can lead to us thinking that there is only good stuff in other people's lives but this isn't true. We're not the only ones struggeling.

When I sit in the bus I often watch other people and wonder what they are worrying about right now, because let's be honest we are all worrying all the time, especially at times when we are alone. I think about who in this bus just lost their job or hates going to work every morning. I wonder who's doubting their relationship. I wonder who's missing a friend who distanced themselves from them. I wonder who's terryfied about a health issue they're dealing with. I wonder who is replaying a hurtful conversation in their head again and again. I wonder whose familiy member just died.

You get the point. I might do this a bit obsessively but it can't be bad to think about other people's struggles from time to time. Not only will it make us feel less alone with our problems but it will also help us understand the other person a bit better. Because I believe that more often than not people who are rude are not intentionally mean but are just having a really shitty day. And all of us have these, right? So next time before you judge someone, remember that everyone's struggeling and that we're all just trying our best.

How I deal with negative spirals in my head

You know those moments or hours or days when you suddenly remember something you forgot to do and then you think of that one time you let down you best friend in 8th grade and then you think of you stupid jerk ex-boyfiend who treated you like shit and then you think about how you will probably never get married because you're so unlovable and a failure at work, so you think about all the life goals you will never achieve and about that awful discussion with your boss which is coming up and which you fantasize about every day and then... Well, you get my point. Sometimes (often at night when you're trying to fall asleep) one negative thought leads to the next which leads to you doubting every decision you ever made and suddenly you want to turn off your alarm for the next day because what's the point of getting up anyway?

I know those nights all too well. Especially when I'm facing big life changes or insecurities the negative spirale in my head can drive me crazy. But with years of experience I have developped a couple of methods to deal with it.

1. Repression/distraction

In German there's a perfect word for it, which is "Verdrängung". According to the English dictonary "repression" is the correct translation but I'm not completely sure of it. Anyway, let's just say I'm great at repression. You know when people say everyone's really good at one thing they do, I often can't think of anything expect: I'm really good at repression. I can shove my problems and fears in the darkest corner of my brain and keep them stored there for weeks or even months. Of course ignoring your problems is not healthy but a bit of distraction might actually help you. Distract yourself now and then deal with the issue once you feel ready for it (which admittedly often happens to be never).

At night when I realize that the negative spirale starts spiraling, I consciously force myself to stop thinking about this topic. Instead I invent stories of travels and adventures and drama in my head which most times works well. But sometimes my worries slip into my stories. In this case I get up and read a fictional book (mostly fantasy, because that's as far away from my life as it can get) or I watch a feel-good tv show like Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or Friends or (my go-to mood booster) Futurama. Yes, you could say that I'm lying to myself and am ignoring my problems, but it makes me feel better.

2. Letting go

Sometimes things that happened to me (people who did me wrong or even worse, people I treated badly, stupid mistakes I made, embaressments) haunt me at night. This is just stupid. Because it happened. It's done. I can't change it anymore. Also, if I fought with someone, even if we made up by then, I can't help but go through our argument and be hurt by it over and over and over. In this case repression will only buy me some time. Sooner or later I have to let it go.

The way I do it is, I formulate a summary of what happened: This is what happened, this really hurt me, this was what I did wrong, this is how we resolved it (if we did resolve it) - there's nothing more to say about it. Then I tell myself: This is it. There's nothing you can do about it now. Let it go. Just let it go. And then I take a deep breath and I let it go.

Of course it's not always that easy. What also helps me is to write it down in my diary. While I'm writing it down I allow myself to use as many curse words and melodramatic metaphors as I want and I cry so much that at the end I can't read my words anymore. But it's extremely liberating. Once it's down on paper, it's not stuck somewhere between my heart and my solar plexus anymore. It isn't a part of me anymore.

In general, crying my eyes out and letting it all out helps me a lot. Afterwards I always feel better. And I'm so exhausted from crying that I fall asleep instantly.

3. Making an appointment with yourself to actually deal with your problems

Sometimes repression is not working anymore. And to let it go it's too soon. Because sometimes we have actual problems which deserve our attention. They might seem unsolvable and make you feel abolutely hopeless but there is always a way, even if the way is to suck it up and live through it.

But it never once happened to me that I solved a life problem at night before I fall asleep. It always ends in me thinking endlessly about how fucked up my situation is and not sleeping at all. Which is why I don't even attempt to solve my problem then and there. I tell myself, next Thursday at 5pm, you're going to take a walk and you will sit in your favorite park and calmly think about possible solutions. You will write them down and then you will decide for a path to take, may it be a shitty path but you will decide and you will stick to it.

In that night I stop thinking about it, knowing that I will take care of it in a couple days (I even create reminders in my phone so that I don't forget to deal with it on the chosen day). Now I can think about something else or fall asleep and then some days later when I'm more awake and hopefully less desperate I will sit down (or walk around in my case) and calmly think about my problem.

I know my ways are far from perfect. Actually they are on a scale from absolutely-awful-for-my-repressed-subconciousness to alright-but-still-pretty-bad. But it's my way. This is how I deal with stuff. Because believe me, I know what it feels like when you get stuck in a negative spirale and I never want to feel that way again.

Do you have methods of dealing with negative spirals in your head?